Monday, December 31, 2007

Fuck you 2007!

I may need some help out of this one. I DID stay up all night-6:30 ish. I slept until 1 and then returned to the computer to do the same thing I had stayed up all night to do: read a pointless blog and play spider solitaire.

I just don't have it in me to do anything else. I did manage to run to the store for some sparkling juice for the kids to have a special toast. No, I did NOT comb my hair or even put clean underwear on. I felt that brushing my teeth was treat enough.

I still don't know what to do. He's not going to come back. I think that a legal emancipation may be in order, so that we aren't legally responsible for the next stupidity that will come along. It's just that I know what is out there. What COULD happen to him. Whatever karma I built by taking in the homeless, by ensuring that other people ate needs to be collected on now. I'm certain that I'm reaping a certain amount of it back right now--but HEY if I knew they were runaways I made them at least call home.

I'm terrified that he's going to enlist. 17 yr old= cannon fodder. Since that was the direction that he was looking into, I bet he goes now out of a sense of "I'll show them I'm not a kid." That and I'm fairly certain that his girlfriend thinks of him and the hefty sign-on bonus as a meal-ticket out of this town and her white trash life. I wonder how long before she gets pregnant? (Now, this I KNOW--it won't be because the Teen isn't fanatical about condoms!!) It's just that I've seen some pretty manipulative beahvior on her part. We've thought about it previously, but now that this is happening, I think it even more likely.

EGADS....that is if he is still even in this state. Well, hopefully he goes to Aimless if he goes to MI. I think he would.

FUCK FUCK FUCK. I hate this!

So, I'm not particularly sad to see this year slip away. Sure, I got an awesome promotion and a great house IN MY NAME. I also got a rectal ulcer for a boss, several members of my staff who need some balls, and a teen who decided that now was the time for his revolution.

(and even though I think that I JUST CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE of this, I look at the above and think that I still am pretty lucky. Sadly, that doesn't help as much as it should.)

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Another sleepless night

So, the first time he didn't come home was the other night. I finally reached him at 2 am. He had some story about taking a friend to the hospital. I went to bed; he called for a ride after that, but the phone was downstairs. He decided to just stay there instead of walking at 2 am. He showed up at home at about noon.

I didn't scream or yell. I DID say that I didn't believe either of his stories. He got snotty and walked off. I grounded him.

So, tonight, after he told me he was going to work, he didn't come home again. I didn't notice until really late because I fell asleep with the youngest downstairs. When I woke up, he wasn't here yet. I called and called. Was it him just being an ass again or was he in trouble? Well, ass wins, he tried to sneak in at ~2, but the dog gave him away. I was still up anyhow, worried. He smelled like booze, but it could be the copious amounts of cologne he wears, and my desire to blame this behavior on SOMETHING...

Again, no yelling/screaming. He said he doesn't think we care because we think he is untrustworthy; I pointed out that staying out all night and not coming home when he was supposed to didn't exactly build trust. He stormed out again.

My first response was to lock the door. I went upstairs and realized that was an action that WAS uncaring. I went to look for him, even drove around. I'm not certain, as I type whether I should go lock the door, because I don't trust him....or to leave it open because it is damn cold. I'm opting for open.

I'm really not certain what I should do. He won't follow our rules. He doesn't respect us. It sucks that I did teach him resilience, but at least I think it'll keep him alive right now. He got the stubborness from me, too, so I doubt he comes back.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Merry Merry.

Well, life is busy and I really only use this to kvetch. (Don't pretend you didn't notice.)

Now, no I haven't had NOTHING to kvetch about, unfortunately. I just am too sapped to write about it.

I HATE INDIANA. WITH. BURNING. FIERY. PASSION.

Now some of it is my job. High stress. Asshole boss. Crappy subordinates (mostly). If it weren't for my assistant and my former bosses, I would have been back in grad school by now. I cried at work. Know me, know I DO NOT DO THAT. EVER. NEVER. I make it through this, I can write my own ticket: "she worked for HIM and even got THIS accomplished..." (Yup, he's well known...which doesn't make me feel much better right now.)

The other parts are harder to define. People are utterly backward here. Like turn the clock back 20 yrs backward. Sexism. Racism. General ideas. I watched in amazement as an old boys network voted in a guy who has declared bankruptcy and has his kids on public assistance AS OUR NEW MAYOR. (Dude, can't manage yourself--CAN"T MANAGE MY CITY!!) Yup, it's like that. I miss diversity.

The teen is being--a bad teen. He mangled our vehicle. While I'm really happy the only damage was to the vehicle, I'm fairly certain he lied about what happened. Sideswiping a concrete barrier at 60 mph does not tear a 4-5 inch piece of metal off the side of the vehicle. You can see where it started as a much smaller pt and got larger before if gouged in and took off a nice, straight strip. The way those barriers are constructed do not allow for that...it would be a more squashy looking mangle. So, while I am glad he didn't hit concrete at 60 mph (I think it would have been worse...) he is probably lying to me AND did something STUPID with a vehicle.

I don't think I like his girlfriend. I'm fairly certain she is manipulative in a really bad way, and also has problems with truth. The family is kind of trashy. The house on the block that you look at while approaching and think "NOT THAT ONE, NOT THAT ONE." Her mom is nice enough, though. She's done the MOTHERS united thing, which I appreciate! Just not anyone I'd hang with. (First time I met her boyfriend, he was so absolutely crass that it was ALL I could do to be civil in their house. Yes, it was late and he'd been drinking, but this was WAY OVER THE TOP. even for this former punk girl...)

The hubster started back to work. 20 or so hours a week. This is good, because I really didn't know what to do about him. I love him, but I feel like I'm a meal ticket. He wasn't going to school because THEY had messed up his paperwork (AGAIN???!!!) I made it through 3 different colleges w/o this happening... hmmm. Really nothing is being done unless I nag. Then I'm the nag. I really don't know what to do about it. I'm thankful I have him, but gods...

I just took some vacation time to recharge, clean the house, and catch up. I hope it works. I'm stretched thin here. It's funny, but I AM learning a lot about myself. THis kind of growth is hard. I look back on previous stressful situations and think "wow, that wasn't too bad, even though it seemed it" I grew and learned how to deal with it. Now I hope I am finished growing and that THIS is really as bad as it gets.

SO that's it. THis latest kvetch. It's not Christmas-sy. It's filled with angst and heartache. It'll get better. It always does. Getting it out helps.