Negotiating sanity

MUST....NOT.....THROW......UP

2008-08-22T15:42:00.000-07:00

was my first thought.

Closely followed by: "I probably should get a shirt on".

And thus was the moment seared into my brain as I sat half naked as the ernest, clean-cut Marine recruiter told me that my firstborn was joining and could I be in Indy on Fri to witness him swearing in?

Funny how when you are dazed, even that simple act of finding and putting on clothing take on EPIC proportions.

That first thought pretty much has remained my theme since....I love him, I support him. The thought of him going to Iraq or Afghanistan makes me want to hurl.

So, He was 18 last week, "sperm donor"

2008-07-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

Did you remember it? Does he even cross your mind?

I don't wish bad things on you because it was hard for me; I wish horrible things on you for each and every time he felt (feels?) pain because of you.

I'm glad you never tried to be there. You are obviously not NEARLY good enough for him; you are seriously unworthy of being in his presence. He didn't need your warped set of values and ethics to influence him at all.

You see, he is a really great person. I'm really excited about who he is. He's smart, funny, and thoughtful. He's EXTREMELY resilient and focused. I truly enjoy his company.

I don't talk about you, not even in a negative way. I will tell him the truth if he asks, but he hasn't yet. "No, he never saw you; no he didn't try. No, he never helped us; no he didn't try. I don't know why he decided to contest it when your dad adopted you when you were 10." Be prepared, sperm donor, because I sense that he will have some questions for you. Like "Why DID you never meet me? Why did you never help in any little way in raising me? Why never even a birthday or Christmas card? AND WHY DID YOU TRY TO INTERFERE WHEN I FINALLY DID GET A DAD?"

You fail, sperm donor, you fail.

Lifeline

2008-04-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

I’m throwing myself one. The only one I can help is me. If someone else can help me through this by listening and throwing in logic while I come to decisions, GREAT. If not, all I wasted really was time and money, and AT LEAST I TRIED.

He’s not trying. I think it may be just the opposite. We had some close friends from “home” down last weekend. I think he dreaded the visit; he certainly wasn’t excited about it, like he normally would have been.

He remarked to me that he didn’t want depression meds because they might “change him”. All I can think is that GODS I WOULD HOPE SO. He’s not anywhere near the man I married now. The excited about the future man. The one that worked on projects….The man that didn’t prefer a computer game to his life and family. So he is not going to see anyone about this depression. Further, he won’t even see anyone over some medical problems he had over the weekend (fell over, dizzy, after bending over and rising too fast….blood pressure?? Or simply lack of activity, since he used to fight weekly and was active and now just sits at a computer all day…?) Is he hoping that he will die and not have to deal??

So, yes, it’s affecting me. So I am going to get help. Perhaps someone will be my support as I support him. We may get through this. I love him and I want to. But, there is a line, and I need to find out where it is now. There is only so much I can take when he won’t even help himself. There is only so much that our kids need to take. I hope to find that line before we are over it and in a worse situation.

Loss of Faith part 2

2008-04-15T09:28:00.000-07:00

I have a problem with Faith, religious or otherwise. I realize a lot of it is conditioned by external societal factors (Nixon, Iran-Contra, Clinton, the multitude of “fallen” TV evangelists, Iraq) and some of it conditioned by education factors (hard bench science background), some my upbringing (parents switching faiths and using religion conveniently) and some just plain inherent. I know it, I own it. I have a problem with faith.

So, what do I do with a science-based background that points me to “if an experiment or process is repeatable three times we can accept the potential for a repeated results” and the “popular jargon” definition of crazy “repeating actions and expecting different results” when I am dealing with a sensitive home situation? When I have lost faith in the person who I turn to when I lose my faith, what the hell do I do????

I used to believe everything as almost gospel. If he said it, it was true/would be accomplished, etc. Now, if I believe if, I fit into the “crazy” category—expecting a different result than what has previously happened. I’m promised that he will finish school—even by a certain time frame; it doesn’t happen. I have a (what I believe is reasonable) expectation of having home situations (Dr. appointments for kids, bills paid, a tiny bit of housework, etc.) managed by him because I am the one working and away for 11.5 hrs a day; it doesn’t happen. So, now when I hear “I’ll take care of that” or “I’m going back to obtain this degree” or “Im looking for a job.”, my thoughts (based on my recent—4yrs or less-- experiences) are. “Yeah, that won’t happen”. I hear “I could do that management job.” and think “No, no you really couldn’t, you can’t even manage our kids, our account, and/or our home.”

I realize that it is damaging my relationship with him. To come out and share this would hurt him deeply, but I’m fairly certain that it is coming out in my actions and attitude, and he has a clue, anyhow. I have examined my feelings and have determined that I do not think that I want to live without him. I love him very much, but I wonder at what point that will change because I am overwhelmed and can’t rely on him? Right now it is mostly just disappointment and hurt with occasional flares of anger; at what point will it be anger and bitterness? If we end it now in a more amicable situation, I eliminate the potential that it changes and I continue with the man I love. If it doesn’t change, I foresee and fiery and unpleasant end.

Advertising mania

2008-01-21T08:29:00.000-08:00

Saw the ad. "Earn money by hosting relevant ads on your blog"....

1. I REALLY hope people don't read this blog. It's REALLY negative and depressing. It's the one where I vent crap.

2. So, what relevant ads would be most appropriate here? Anti-depression meds? Guns?
Shrek things? (I can't put why that is really appropriate on the internet, but give me a call. It's really funny in a VERY mean sort of way.)

Dark Dark Days

2008-01-21T07:54:00.000-08:00

On thing about me, that you wouldn't catch here (on my "negative space") is that I bounce. I am unusually resilient and very thankful and proud of it. (When I was young I used to even get upset that I couldn't hold on to a funk or anger, etc overnight....)

So, I was concerned when I realized that somehow, somewhere, I went flat.

I've had emotional chaos before. This time was worse because the chaos was more intimate, more of my creation (flesh and blood), more of EVERYTHING exploding instead of just a few things. I would think: "ok, I can handle this, but not ONE MORE THING" and then ONE MORE THING would happen....rinse and repeat.

Well, that growth is hard, and it took me down. Way down some scary spiral into some hole that twisted and turned so that I couldn't see the light and I didn't know which way was up.

One night I tried drinking. I didn't do THAT again. I prefer alcohol with FUN and happiness. It just sent me a few feet further down for a bit that night. ICK!

IT was shortly after that when I knew: this was depression. I understand how heavy it can be. I understand the loneliness, the isolation, and the weight. I understand thinking "I need help" but being so overwhelmed and unable to think correctly to even know where to find it. SO overwhelmed that the most simple things seemed completely beyond my ability.

I felt alone and isolated. One day I had a moment of clarity and reached out. That day I realized I was just alone as I wanted to be. My friends were there as much as ever; it was just me that went away.

I started to look for help shortly after that. That simple act of looking for help did a lot for me. I started thinking again. I realized that I needed to change. Part of the reason that I was so unhappy was the isolation here. Well, I am the one responsible for not doing the things that I used to do. Yes, it is hard to start over, but I need to try.

So, I'm not ALL better yet, but I am no longer flat. And I know where to go if it happens again.

Truthfully, I failed

2008-01-04T00:24:00.000-08:00

I'm not certain how I managed to put a child like him on the planet. I understand that children rebel and have to show "how grown they are" and how they distance themselves from their parents to do that. I get that.

What boggles me is the absolute conviction that truth is optional at any given time. He sees no problem with lying to people. He pretty much expects it. I consider him pathological.

Without going into it too much, (other than he's back, and YES there was a lot of drama)we were talking about manipulative behavior. Case in point: he came to me one night, the girlfriend was really sick and no one was home. Could you go over to her house, mom? Yup, I went, feeling like the good mom. There she put on a great show; culminating in her telling me things designed to make me let him go there or her come to my house to keep her safe. I didn't fall for THAT and made certain she was good until her mom got home. I had blamed it on her (her story and theatrics) but after the conversation I just had with my son, it very well could have been a collaborative effort.

We were talking about that, because I spoke with him about it at the time. It came out of his mouth that it was ok because she has no reason NOT to lie to me. He expects her to lie to me. He definitely lies to her mother. He said that if it suits his purposes, it is ok to lie. This was not a heated conversation, it was just a conversation. I tried to be the least judgemental that I could be when I pointed out that even if he ISN'T lying to person x, if person x sees him lying to person y, person x will think he's lying to them. It didn't matter to him.

I am utterly sickened and devastated by this. Trust is something that we have talked about for a long time. Not being able to trust him again ever is a horrible feeling. But there it is: that trust is GONE GONE GONE. I pretty much have to, from this time forward, know that if IT ISN'T SUITING HIS PURPOSES, it isn't going to be the truth. And since I am not always privy to those pursposes, IT PROBABLY NEVER IS THE TRUTH.

At least he was honest about that.

Fuck you 2007!

2007-12-31T19:02:00.000-08:00

I may need some help out of this one. I DID stay up all night-6:30 ish. I slept until 1 and then returned to the computer to do the same thing I had stayed up all night to do: read a pointless blog and play spider solitaire.

I just don't have it in me to do anything else. I did manage to run to the store for some sparkling juice for the kids to have a special toast. No, I did NOT comb my hair or even put clean underwear on. I felt that brushing my teeth was treat enough.

I still don't know what to do. He's not going to come back. I think that a legal emancipation may be in order, so that we aren't legally responsible for the next stupidity that will come along. It's just that I know what is out there. What COULD happen to him. Whatever karma I built by taking in the homeless, by ensuring that other people ate needs to be collected on now. I'm certain that I'm reaping a certain amount of it back right now--but HEY if I knew they were runaways I made them at least call home.

I'm terrified that he's going to enlist. 17 yr old= cannon fodder. Since that was the direction that he was looking into, I bet he goes now out of a sense of "I'll show them I'm not a kid." That and I'm fairly certain that his girlfriend thinks of him and the hefty sign-on bonus as a meal-ticket out of this town and her white trash life. I wonder how long before she gets pregnant? (Now, this I KNOW--it won't be because the Teen isn't fanatical about condoms!!) It's just that I've seen some pretty manipulative beahvior on her part. We've thought about it previously, but now that this is happening, I think it even more likely.

EGADS....that is if he is still even in this state. Well, hopefully he goes to Aimless if he goes to MI. I think he would.

FUCK FUCK FUCK. I hate this!

So, I'm not particularly sad to see this year slip away. Sure, I got an awesome promotion and a great house IN MY NAME. I also got a rectal ulcer for a boss, several members of my staff who need some balls, and a teen who decided that now was the time for his revolution.

(and even though I think that I JUST CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE of this, I look at the above and think that I still am pretty lucky. Sadly, that doesn't help as much as it should.)

Another sleepless night

2007-12-30T22:48:00.001-08:00

So, the first time he didn't come home was the other night. I finally reached him at 2 am. He had some story about taking a friend to the hospital. I went to bed; he called for a ride after that, but the phone was downstairs. He decided to just stay there instead of walking at 2 am. He showed up at home at about noon.

I didn't scream or yell. I DID say that I didn't believe either of his stories. He got snotty and walked off. I grounded him.

So, tonight, after he told me he was going to work, he didn't come home again. I didn't notice until really late because I fell asleep with the youngest downstairs. When I woke up, he wasn't here yet. I called and called. Was it him just being an ass again or was he in trouble? Well, ass wins, he tried to sneak in at ~2, but the dog gave him away. I was still up anyhow, worried. He smelled like booze, but it could be the copious amounts of cologne he wears, and my desire to blame this behavior on SOMETHING...

Again, no yelling/screaming. He said he doesn't think we care because we think he is untrustworthy; I pointed out that staying out all night and not coming home when he was supposed to didn't exactly build trust. He stormed out again.

My first response was to lock the door. I went upstairs and realized that was an action that WAS uncaring. I went to look for him, even drove around. I'm not certain, as I type whether I should go lock the door, because I don't trust him....or to leave it open because it is damn cold. I'm opting for open.

I'm really not certain what I should do. He won't follow our rules. He doesn't respect us. It sucks that I did teach him resilience, but at least I think it'll keep him alive right now. He got the stubborness from me, too, so I doubt he comes back.

Merry Merry.

2007-12-29T22:53:00.000-08:00

Well, life is busy and I really only use this to kvetch. (Don't pretend you didn't notice.)

Now, no I haven't had NOTHING to kvetch about, unfortunately. I just am too sapped to write about it.

I HATE INDIANA. WITH. BURNING. FIERY. PASSION.

Now some of it is my job. High stress. Asshole boss. Crappy subordinates (mostly). If it weren't for my assistant and my former bosses, I would have been back in grad school by now. I cried at work. Know me, know I DO NOT DO THAT. EVER. NEVER. I make it through this, I can write my own ticket: "she worked for HIM and even got THIS accomplished..." (Yup, he's well known...which doesn't make me feel much better right now.)

The other parts are harder to define. People are utterly backward here. Like turn the clock back 20 yrs backward. Sexism. Racism. General ideas. I watched in amazement as an old boys network voted in a guy who has declared bankruptcy and has his kids on public assistance AS OUR NEW MAYOR. (Dude, can't manage yourself--CAN"T MANAGE MY CITY!!) Yup, it's like that. I miss diversity.

The teen is being--a bad teen. He mangled our vehicle. While I'm really happy the only damage was to the vehicle, I'm fairly certain he lied about what happened. Sideswiping a concrete barrier at 60 mph does not tear a 4-5 inch piece of metal off the side of the vehicle. You can see where it started as a much smaller pt and got larger before if gouged in and took off a nice, straight strip. The way those barriers are constructed do not allow for that...it would be a more squashy looking mangle. So, while I am glad he didn't hit concrete at 60 mph (I think it would have been worse...) he is probably lying to me AND did something STUPID with a vehicle.

I don't think I like his girlfriend. I'm fairly certain she is manipulative in a really bad way, and also has problems with truth. The family is kind of trashy. The house on the block that you look at while approaching and think "NOT THAT ONE, NOT THAT ONE." Her mom is nice enough, though. She's done the MOTHERS united thing, which I appreciate! Just not anyone I'd hang with. (First time I met her boyfriend, he was so absolutely crass that it was ALL I could do to be civil in their house. Yes, it was late and he'd been drinking, but this was WAY OVER THE TOP. even for this former punk girl...)

The hubster started back to work. 20 or so hours a week. This is good, because I really didn't know what to do about him. I love him, but I feel like I'm a meal ticket. He wasn't going to school because THEY had messed up his paperwork (AGAIN???!!!) I made it through 3 different colleges w/o this happening... hmmm. Really nothing is being done unless I nag. Then I'm the nag. I really don't know what to do about it. I'm thankful I have him, but gods...

I just took some vacation time to recharge, clean the house, and catch up. I hope it works. I'm stretched thin here. It's funny, but I AM learning a lot about myself. THis kind of growth is hard. I look back on previous stressful situations and think "wow, that wasn't too bad, even though it seemed it" I grew and learned how to deal with it. Now I hope I am finished growing and that THIS is really as bad as it gets.

SO that's it. THis latest kvetch. It's not Christmas-sy. It's filled with angst and heartache. It'll get better. It always does. Getting it out helps.

Tell it you yo mama.

2007-07-24T17:41:00.000-07:00

I actually had to tell someone the following this morning: "It is not your MOTHER'S responsibility to get your timesheet in..."

Tiny Tots

2007-07-17T17:28:00.000-07:00

So, one of my colleagues told me yesterday that supervising people was like being a daycare worker. I laughed and thought, "We supervise adult professionals, dude. They aren't THAT bad..."

Yeah, they really are.

As a teen, I stopped babysitting as soon as I was old enough to go work at McDonald's.

So, what is the adult version of McDonald's?

Sexual Harassment for dummies

2007-06-16T08:05:00.001-07:00

I've been living in a bubble. Like racial discrimination, I didn't think it existed anymore. This is because no one I know would ever DREAM of either. (Much like I'm consistently surprised at stupidity, because I'm surrounded by such brilliance that I sometimes feel I'M the stupid one.)

I was at some business training last week in Chicago. There was one GRUELING day of EEO/civil rights. It was a dry, mind-numbing, and horrible 8 HOURS of this. So, when some of the group decided that ordering in deep dish REAL Chicago pizza was the way to go, I agreed. I needed a drink! Well, after a few, and the bar closing at midnight, four of us decided to head up to a room with a bottle of wine. (Since I am choosy about what FRIENDS I do this with, the fact that I did this with colleagues should show you my state of inebriation....)

That's where it happened. DUH. Someone noticed a tattoo. I showed them my neck. One guy kept touching my neck--followed by rubbing my back. I figured out what was going on and did the "Hey, buddy, MY vows actually MEAN something." Another guy ran some interference and I was able to get into a chair away from him.

What surprised me was how I reacted. I felt guilty, like I did something wrong. I was drunk and put myself in a stupid situation. When telling a friend about how emabarrassed and humiliated I was, her remark? "You sound like a rape victim: if I didn't wear that dress...." It really helped with the perspective. I DID drink too much and excercise poor judgement. My culpability ends there. There was nothing in my behavior that said "Ready and willing..."

Makes me really think about victims less strong than me. Damn. This really affected me in some profound ways. I can't imagine the ways something worse would impact others, as well.

Lessoned learned.

HEY, NEW BOSS! Read THIS!!!!

2007-06-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

Remember when I told you I was loyal in my interview? Well, the way to earn that loyalty is NOT to bash my old boss (who helped shape the person you hired, and who I respect highly) OR to let my staff circumvent me to tell you about situations you hired me to deal with--and that I was dealing with.

Helping another one of my staff members gun for my previous boss isn't helping your cause much, either. He's gunning for him because he percieves that the boss put a halt on his career....I think you were told about this too: the boss demoted him because of the sexual harassment charges that an entire state program was leveling against him and his many brands of improper work practices. (That I am having to clean up for you, now.) He's lucky he didn't get fired. He should have been. I don't know what ax you have to grind there, or if my employee just poisoned the well, but your support of him makes you highly suspect. I don't appreciate you not telling me all of the relevant details; instead I got them from a colleague. You aren't looking good. The gag order didn't help. Sure, you chose a great office, and I got a nice raise that you didn't have to give me until next year, but, sorry, I just can't be bought with $$$ like that.

out of sorts

2007-05-31T20:26:00.000-07:00

and I don't know why. I'm missing my girls around. Chicks here--nope, scratch that, CHICKS ARE COOL--the WOMEN here put on make-up before they do the power-walk thing. Seriously.

I have no real reason to feel this way. I have great kids and a fabulous hubster. I just bought myself an absolutely freaking amazing house.

Must be the sight of all that lipstick at 5 mph.

It WAS a happy day.

2007-05-16T15:50:00.000-07:00

SO Mother's Day....

There was no breakfast in bed. (I had really hoped my kids would continue that particular tradition!!) I bought my own gifts. (I felt guilty spending $$ on hanging plants--so my kids "bought" them for me...) I did get to sleep in and later accomplish things that really needed to be done. (Like unpacking more boxes...) So I was happy. It was good.

Until dinner time. The TEEN had just gotten his first paycheck Fri. He hinted at buying me some things that I hinted were probably not a good idea. (Like fish for my aquarium--he would have kept them in the baggie while he worked--then walked home...I hinted that they might not quite survive...) I hinted that a smallplant or some seeds would be great.

Well, he got home considerably late from work. Given his dunder-headed 16 yr old behavior of late, I was a bit concerned. And then he handed me a package and a card. The card had seeds and was funny. ("I would win on Survivor after raising him...") The package was PHENOMENAL. What was inside was nice and really thoughtful: he replaced my Ipod headset after he didn't put mine away and they disappeared. What REALLY got me was that he walked a few miles out of his way to obtain them. His first paycheck and he spent almost a 1/4 on his mom--and expended considerable effort to do it.

Beats the hell out of breakfast in bed!!

spilt milk or an old sweater...

2007-05-06T12:59:00.000-07:00

Indiana has, prior to today, given us the warm fuzzy.

We are adjusting, after a bit of culture shock, to small town life. The neighbors (despite dropping in on us DURING the home inspection, prior to the actual sale....) are great so far. Everyone is friendly.

The Teen is adjusting well. He's enjoying the noteriety of being the new kid from the bigger city. He is amused by the "country kids" and their soft ways: "they make a big deal out of NOTHING". He also laughs at the gangsta wannabes here: "If they acted like that at my previous school they would get their asses shot." I am relieved. The new friends seem ok. The grades are back up. He's got a job he likes.

The middle child is experiencing a school bus. He doesn't really like the length of the trip home.

My job is stressfull, but wonderful and challenging. I am working at the top of my game. I am so challenged, that I will need new skill sets to meet any new challenge. That excites me. New skills!! My boss is QUIRKY. I'm quirky, so this isn't necessarily a bad thing. I just don't expect a man in his position to be so odd. He's a bit hard to figure out sometimes.

We love the new home. We REALLY love the new home. We are utterly in love with the new home, despite the 80's mauve and blue "aztec splendor" in the kitchen.

So why am I almost in tears today? It's silly, really. I'll admit it.

The Teen did laundry so he could wash his work clothes. I was impressed. He's pretty self-sufficient (when he wants to be). Yay, Teen!

Until I opened the drier and found my new, expensive silk sweater. The one I have looked for for years to find the perfect red. The one I paid full price for because I FINALLY found it. The one I was actually going to have dry-cleaned so it will last as long as possible. The one I only wore maybe 5X. Now shrunk a bit and TOTALLY faded. It looks 20 yrs old. I looked on-line and couldn't find it anymore.

So, in a flash the world de-fuzzed and all the things I've been worried about crashed on me in the form of a shrunken, faded, red sweater. The dog is displaying some aggresive tendancies--barking at people. I fear it is because of the husband and his archiac, outdated, WRONG dominance training. RED SWEATER. If I can't out-train the hubster and get the dog where he needs to be, there may be a time where I'll have to put him down. Can't have a 150 lb. dog bite someone. RED SWEATER. The middle kid doesn't seem to be as happy with his new school and still REALLY misses his old teacher and friends. RED SWEATER. The quirky boss frightens me with his odd manner. I know that he has done certain things to "test" me. What else is he doing that I'm not noticing? Am I passing? RED SWEATER. I called my mom yesterday. I am really having difficulty with her illusions of sanity; she said some things that also made me doubt others. There is no way to verify anything. RED SWEATER.

I called Ann Taylor. The nice customer service lady found several red sweaters--on sale!! I ordered 2, just in case.
I'm in UBER-training mode with the dog. "Sit" (click, treat) when someone approaches and he gets petted--no sit=no treat and no petting. "come" (Click, treat) when he does and doesn't want to..."speak" (click, treat) to show him that if he barks when I ask him to, he gets a treat; if he barks unasked, no treat, so why bother? "hush"(click, treat) after he stops barking so that he understands that asked for quiet is GOOD. He's already catching on.
Going to school with the middle kid tomorrow. I was REALLY active in the old school; he may be missing that. I can discuss with the teacher the issues. And he gets to ride home with Mom, so no looong bus ride.
Aw, well, the boss. The only thing I can do is my best and hope for the best. If I succeed here, I will be known for success in dealing with difficult personalities--in my career path, that skill will get me places!
Nothing I can do about the mum--except be glad I'm here, 5 hrs away.

Back to Indiana-zen!

It's spring

2007-03-25T10:17:00.000-07:00

And this is how I know:

The pic doesn't show it too well, but all three are COVERED in mud.

Broken

2007-03-18T15:13:00.000-07:00

I went out last night with Amy. It was like some force of the universe said "Madzillah needs to say good-bye to THESE people..." There were people I had forgotten, people I thought I would never see again....It was not as awful as I had thought it would be--meeting people from the past. It wasn't awful at all. I had fun.

I ran into a boy. I'll call him Pan. We met Pan in our mid-20's. He was 14. He showed up at our house, trashed, while we were having a party. He passed out in the lawn where some dumb-ass thought it would be funny to piss on him.

This is where you see that Amy is truly a better person than me. I was mad that we had a drunk 14 yr old at our house. I was worried that he was going to get us in trouble, and I just wanted him GONE GONE GONE. Amy took poor Pan in and convinced me to help her shower him (clothes and all.)

Well, we ended up taking him and his older brother in, in general. His mom was even more fucked up than us, and didn't mind them practically living with us. I never heard about a dad, but BOY o BOY did I hear about another brother (and uncle? don't remember...) He was broken, and we collected broken things, hoping we could help restore them.

Well, there was a point that for my own sanity, etc. I had to completely turn away from everyone. I heard about Pan over the years; I really worried about what I heard. I wondered when I would hear he was gone.

I'm happy to say that he's not. He's been through it. He may not be all the way through it. BUT, he hasn't been in legal trouble since he was 17. He is a jack of all trades, and a roaming soul. He's looking for a home that I'm not sure he even wants to find. He's seeking approval from anyone who will love him. I gave it happily. I told him how handsome he is, how proud I am of him, and how happy I was to see him. I wish I could help him more.

IndepenDANCE

2007-02-16T20:39:00.000-08:00

Well, first the disclaimer. The hubster makes me want to be a better person by his very presence. I wouldn't have gotten here without him, nor would I have wanted to. That said, I know that anyone who at one time didn't know if they were going to be able to buy groceries or when they might be evicted will totally understand my elation at being self-sufficient.

I put my first offer in on a house today. We own the current one together, but I wasn't much help on the mortage, being a student and all. We'll own this together, but the mortage is MINE ALL MINE. I am self-supporting!!

It's a really neat milestone for me.

Fatty

2007-02-04T08:02:00.000-08:00

I am not going to lose weight by eating scallopini!! Not even ramping up the work-out!!

Just saying!

Bangs

2007-01-28T08:36:00.000-08:00

I was feeling a bit angsty before I went to the hairdresser. I gave him carte blanche. His rejoinder? What about BANGS? And showed me what he had in mind....

Carte blanche. I have bangs. They are long and fringy and hang in my eyes a bit. The rest of my hair got chopped; it is slightly bobbed, shoulder length, and swingy.

I'll be hating myself growing this out, but for now...I'm happy with bangs.

OH--and the big interview is Wednesday in IN.

Missing me?

2007-01-04T18:30:00.000-08:00

Try here
I had been quietly lurking to selectively hood up with some old friends. What's funny is that the hubster discovered the fun, and completely OUTED me.

Since, I've really appreciated blogger. Still anonymous, except with those who are close....

Because THERE I am once again in the public eye. I have a taste of what being a rock star is like, cuz in my hobby, I am. AND since of my "exulted" status in the hobby, I take the role model thing pretty seriously... It gets tiring.

I can be me here, and not worry quite so much....

Auld Lang WHAT?

2007-01-01T11:30:00.000-08:00

SO it HAS been the season for renewing/reaquainting, etc.

The Littlest was really unhappy because the Middle went to a cousin's and he didn't. The hubster called to report that he spent a while in a corner sulking and eating chocolate. So, we spent some quality time when I got home. His choice? (Inspired by Aunty Mel's gift of personalized aprons....) Cooking. While operating the mixer, he showered me in flour. SHOWERED. Then proceeded to blame it on me...."HA HA, Messy Mama!"

It was in this state that I took The Teen to the ER after he got back from a jog, complained about abdominal pain, then asked if the blood was normal. (Not saying ANY more, since it would be entirely embarrassing to him...) I'm in ultimate MOM mode, completely trying to be calm, while visions of horror run through my mind.

It's 10:30 at night, I'm covered in flour and scared as shit as we entered. There are a few people in the waiting room, so I know it will be a LONG night. We are called in to the triage area and who is the nurse? HMMM. That would be the guy in high school whose brother I dated (before he died an untimely death due to carbon monoxide.) AND IS HE STILL HOT!!! And just as nice. He wants to get together for lunch, so I gave him my card. He asked about the hubster, so, in my usual manner (mouth engaged before brain...) "He's a" OMG I can't sat HOT, I haven't seen this guy in like 20 yrs! "baldie like you."

Strangely enough it did calm me down quite a bit...AND he fast tracked us into a room--where they did unspeakable things to my kid involving a swab. I stepped out for that one. When I came in, he was pale and not terribly happy. Even more upset when they said something about taking blood: "Mom.....um....are they taking it from..." GULP "PLEASE TELL ME IT'S FROM MY ARM!!!!"

So, I've been teasing him about his "road rash" (apparently not an unusual thing for runners)

So, I ran into the old friend, called him a baldie, and had my kid treated for road rash and STD's ("just in case")....all covered in flour. I think he'll call for lunch TOMORROW.

1000 square feet of toys

2006-12-24T11:46:00.000-08:00

We made the yucky basement of our house functionable....instead of grafitti and concrete, we put in walls, subfloor, and carpet. Zac got a new, very private room, and we got a ...well, let's be honest....it's a bloody toy room.

While preparing for the influx of holiday toys, I thought I'd be sneaky and toss a few that we can't figure out and have lost parts to make it function....

Yippee...got them in the trash without anyone noticing....UNTIL I asked the Zeke to throw away some trash.... D'OH.

Not a yell and resuce or ranting by our most stubborn, fiesty one...nope. I got genuine heartbroken sobs of resignation. He was so devastated by seeing his treasures in the trash, he just slumped away crying.

I dissolved. Those two particular toys went back into his happy little hands.

999,999 tiny pieces

2006-12-04T20:04:00.000-08:00

I have no words, only an empty, aching void. The 999,999 tiny pieces of my heart will not fill it. Neither will the tears that continue to flow.

Take that 1,000,000th piece, my friend. Lead this final charge. I expect to find you at the feet of a King again.

Rest in Peace, Noble Knight

Figures

2006-11-26T16:25:00.000-08:00

What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?

You will perish of fits. Repeat this to yourself: "Things can work out even if I don't get my way. Things can work out even...."
Take this quiz!

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3 left turns make 1 right....

2006-11-25T13:45:00.000-08:00

Ok. Occasionally I wonder how I got HERE.

Yes, the obvious: hard work and a good brain....

But, I'm HERE and it feels like most of the people from my past are THERE. HERE and THERE being separated by light years....

I hope they are happy THERE. I'm pretty happy HERE. The Hubster is HOT. My family rocks. I have the coolest dog ever. I like being financially stable, and even occasionally fluid. I love my big, roomy house. I have earned respect and love from amazing people. I have accomplished exciting things--and my career is just beginning.

Nope, never want to be THERE again.

But, I still wonder. I wonder about fate, destinty, and God. Was it one of those that determined that I would be lucky enough to be HERE? Or was it all me, making good choices (or bad choices that led to good places)?

another reason to like Ann Arbor

2006-11-25T13:28:00.000-08:00

I again had a great time there. It's good to have friend that, no matter how long the time away, you can talk to like you saw her yesterday. And great to know that she is doing ASTOUNDINGLY well. YAY!

We visited my favorite restaurants. Gratzi--favorite because it is an early landmark in my marriage. Once went there in full length leopard 70's nightgown and flip-flops after a LONG weekend with the Hubster before we were married. I decided I LOVED Ann Arbor then, when at this nice restaurant, I wasn't out of place in vintage jammies.

And my all time favorite place...La Dolce Vita--a salacious dessert experience. Easy place to spend an evening. Coffee, cognac, the best desserts anywhere, (and occasionally) a cigar bar. One place that will be hard to replace in IN.

Cuz, yes, I'm going to put everything I've got into getting the promotion. Which will mean IN. Land of cornfields and churches.

Lucky

2006-11-17T18:57:00.000-08:00

Well, and a few brains, too.

I just read a post out in blogland that really resonated. Guy with a teen struggling to be a good parent. I went back to school to be a good example, myself.

I have made it to a point where I am really happy with things. It wasn't always so great. Single, poor mom with a high school diploma and a few college classes. No welfare--or even child support (heartless jerkoff of a sperm donor)--for us. I went back to college at 27. It was hard. I worked nights and weekends at little above min. wage to support us.

I did it. I got pretty good grades, too; I knew what the stakes were. I was .2% away from graduating with honors. I got married and had 2 kids before I graduated. I'm now supporting my family pretty well while the hubster returns to college.

I pulled myself up by those bootstraps. If I can do it...

"Froggie likes water"

2006-11-12T07:59:00.000-08:00

What do YOUR kids do while you aren't watching for a few?

Fueled by climbing the counter and raiding Halloween candy.

Feet firmly under

2006-11-08T16:24:00.000-08:00

I'm finally feeling like I'm getting my breath back a bit.

I did 9 freaking weeks of business travel in the last year!! 1 week in Charlottesville, VA (best French fusion cuisine EVER!) 1 in Raleigh, NC (smells GREAT in the spring) and 6 in the D.C area (crazy traffic, really expensive to live there--and somehow I still want to go...) The last week was intermittent stays in OH, IN, and upper MI. AND if all goes well, I'll do at least a month this year.

Then the hobby--travelling almost every weekend (Fri. night to Sun...)

Boy did it wear on me! I'm trying to get over the feeling of "Ah, I'm finally home. Nope, not leaving. Not even to get milk." Seriously, once I'm home, I REALLY don't want to leave. It's taking all my will-power to go to things I really WANT to go to.

I think my family will have to be visiting me here, this year!

The Improbable Pal

2006-10-29T07:53:00.000-08:00

I met her through work--the year long really intense training program. She is from Florida. We didn't do any of the "colleague dance" that I see many people do ("worried about a career, am I letting this person REALLY in?" kind of stuff), there was immediate recognition that we would be friends.

She is well-traveled; she's lived in a few countries, and visited many more. 6 yrs younger than me; tiny and GORGEOUS. Well off parents; ivy league college. Our upbringing and life up to now really have been pretty much polar opposites.

Most of my friends have been forged through common bonds, trials, and tribulations. There was something there in the beginning, and we built on that. The last person I had this kind of spark with was Aimless. (We met 21 yrs ago this Halloween. We were introduced and immediately bonded by changing clothes behind a car.)

I really don't understand this one; but I appreciate it. She really enriches my life, and I'm lucky to have met her.

GAHH!

2006-10-28T11:18:00.001-07:00

I just found an old boyfriend's blog. Sascha, you know the one...the narrow escape. It was gratifying but sad to see that the people who I had pegged for mediocrity, are, well, mediocre. (yes, sad. I'm not a TOTAL vindictive bitch!!) How do you stay there forever??

I have turned my back on that life with good reason. It was like running a Flintstones car on a treadmill. The only thing I miss is the creativity. My new Improbable Friend (who I'll blog about later) is helping with that!

I love my life now. I travel extensively with the hobby and work; I have friends around the world from it. THere is really nowhere I couldn't go and find someone I know. I love my job. I'm doing things that are worthwhile, "saving the world" kinds of things. I am currently writing national policy. I love the Hubster and Family. They are wonderful. My friends are excellent. All contributing to society in some manner...

One of my friends,who is a lot like me, tells the story of going to lunch with her boss and colleagues. She was leaving when someone called out her name. She turned and recoiled mentally with horror to see a remnant of her past--still looking like they lived there. She replied, "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong person", turned, and left.

I understand.

Mea Culpa

2006-09-22T18:35:00.000-07:00

I have deleted portions of the blog. The hubster found it and was hurt and angry by the post about him.

He's right. I should not have posted things like that on the net. Sometimes I forget that I may be communicating with more than Sascha and her Mom.

I'm sorry.

Dude, next time you wear a dress,

2006-08-03T16:20:00.000-07:00

SHAVE BETTER! The 5 o'clock shadow on your lumberjack man frame looked rather silly with the "church lady" chintz floral. Didn't notice your legs, but the large, dirty tennis shoes didn't match, either. And, posture, buddy, posture. You don't need to slump through the store like the Thing. GEEZ!

OH--and I just landed a SWEET temp job. I've been invited to spend a month or more in D.C. to write national policy. Now THIS is why I got the degree. Madzillah saving the world!

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me. I'm gonna

2006-07-21T14:10:00.000-07:00

My husband, with his sweet tooth, has programmed the 2 younger kids to expect dessert of some kind every night.

Last night, after a "breakfast" dinner of pancakes and eggs, the Youngest asked for dessert, spawning the following conversation:

Hubster: "There is no dessert. Your pancake was dessert."

Youngest: "If there is no dessert, I'm going to run away."

Me: "If you run away, what will you eat?"

Youngest: "Plants. And I'll dig for worms."

Hmm. Maybe I need to stop making the cute rice krispy treats with those gummy worms.

*******************************************************************

ow I know why snakes are so grumpy when it's shedding time.

We took the dog to the doggy beach. We all had a great time. Turns out the dog does a great impression of a hippo underwater. He doesn't swim as much as he walks around on the bottom. Rather silly. He WILL swim if he has to get to me, though!

If you know me well, I used to be the one in the full length shirt, skirt, and hat at the beach. NO tan for me, I liked to be white, thank-you-very-much, and I really do not want the alligator skin that accompanies well tanned women.

Well, sunscreen technology has advanced and I decided to risk it in the bathing suit. I made sure the kids were well covered in spf 50 with uvA and Bb protection before we even finished up the drive. I got all the areas on me that I could reach. In the chaos that ensued with dog and kids at the beach, I forgot about that spot on the back that I COULDN'T reach in the car.

That was last Sunday. Monday and Tuesday were spent in excruciating agony. Clothes hurt. Air hurt. Wednesday began with the twinging spot itches that hurt badly. AHH THursday--felt like a normal sunburn, finally, still had those small spots of incredible itch/pain--but still too red to actually touch those spots! Still red, still sore, but manageable. Look, I'm peeling a bit....

FRI??!! Still burned and peeling like a snake. It's gross, this much skin coming off. AND ITCHING!!! I don't even care that it hurts to itch. It started in my office, which thankfully has a door. I have never experienced anything like this itch. I can't concentrate on anything else!! Since I can't actually really reach the area, I am reaching for anything that can help. Right now the preferred method is the closed blade of the scissors. Yup, here I am wiggling and sighing with the scissors up my back and small pieces of my skin drifting like snow around my chair. When that stops helping, I occasionally have to apply lotion to the back of my brush to get it to the right spots.

Yup, I am a model of office professionalism

Border War

2006-07-11T16:51:00.000-07:00

So, this whole hectic, frenetic schedule means that I don’t usually have time to write. I have cool things happening that never get mentioned.

Like Border War. This was the 13th anniversary of my first SCA event. (Which I don’t usually talk about here….for good reason, if you know me and what I do there...)
For my first event, (invited by a friend while giggling upside down on my couch) I went to some guy’s house who I didn’t know, borrowed his wife’s clothes, and the rest is history.

Last time we did the position we hold now, it wasn’t much fun. It was “local girl does good” so I got glommed on pretty hard. Not a SECOND to myself—and 2 small kids to care for. Some people were really rude because of the familiarity. (Something along the way I’ve noted in ANY society—the lower the rank of the person, the more familiar they are with perceived “importance”. The upper ranks, people who are ENTITLED to be familiar, usually only are in private. I notice this at work ALL the time!!)

Not so, this time!!!
I expected pure Hell. Hubster was meeting me there from a week long camping trip in Missouri, so he would be tired. I expected the same horrible treatment from a bunch of people I barely knew. NOPE!

I got there to find that Hubster, who had both tents, got stuck in traffic in Chicago and would not be there until 11pm-12am. Hmm. Boy, was he going to be happy! So, I unpacked my vehicle, fed and bug-sprayed the kids, set up the dog, and set about happily unpacking my vehicle. Tee Hee. I got to shoo people away who were horrified at watching me work!! “You’re not the boss of me!” When he finally did arrive, 20-30 people grabbed our stuff and set up two pavilions in what must have been record time and mysteriously disappeared! WOW! This was so impressive that hubby forgot to be grumpy!!

Aimless showed up w/her kidster. I’m very happy about this as I’m hoping that she uses some of my “artiste” friends who are functioning adults as a role model. She is SO talented that I don’t want it to just waste away!! She’s actually finished some college courses AND taught an art class or two lately!! Yippeee! More of this and I will re-nickname her!

The Surrogate Mom, Val, stopped by both nights. (It’s good to see you doing better. I hope you had fun. You should try things next year when I have some time to take you around—and you can sing!! THANKS for the lovely oil lamps and the breakfast bread!!!!)

She got to see an old friend of Sascha’s that I finally met for the first time. Not at all what I expected!! I expected him to be larger—taller at least!! And more bold. He almost seemed frightened of me. He’s a really good, though girlish, dancer. (Really?? What did I expect?? Well, not ALL gay guys have to be a stereotype!!) Actually most of the straight Middle Eastern Dancers dance girlie, too. I REALLY want to see more strong, macho MALE Middle Eastern Dancers!!!!!

Everyone was great! Yes, I still got swamped every second with someone who needed a few moments, but that’s part of the gig. The spirit behind it was much nicer this time. I thoroughly enjoyed the weekend—except the mosquitoes. I STILL look like a leper from the leftover bites!

Square jawed super-hero

2006-06-29T20:32:00.000-07:00

Last week I did another regulatory operation where I ride along with a cop. Last time I was monumentally bored. I expected it again.

Not so. I rode around with the reason all little boys play the good guy. He actually restored my faith in law enforcement--and a bit of humanity. He treats everyone, lawbreakers included, with the utmost respect. Patriotic. Funny. Loyal. Intelligent. Handsome. In it to help people. Classic 50's heart of gold detective.

All policemen and women should go take lessons.

Good Job, Indiana!

Proof that I didn't forget my anniversary

2006-06-12T15:48:00.000-07:00

But the Hubster did.

He's off in MO having fun without US (with my permission). Not even a call.

A dear friend did this a few weeks ago--also with his wife's blessing. He came home to discover that he was a proud new owner of a horse.

I think I want a llama.

Family Insights

2006-06-07T18:26:00.000-07:00

So, a network problem in Maryland has caused me to be able to do nothing in Michigan. I get a chance to write.

Lately, I’ve pretty much been too busy. My job has involved a lot of travel lately on top of the normal stuff. The normal stuff can keep me hopping. Got to say, though, I’ve been struggling with the normal stuff. There have been too many changes and re-interpretations to feel like I’m doing anything but running in circles. My job in essence is of a “save the world—or at least THIS resource” variety, but lately, it feels like the very people who helped create, fund, and run the program at a supra-genius headquarters level are tying my hands, not giving us support, and generally creating more problems than they fix. (In my ideal world, this last problem would not have been this: “We found this problem at our end—that only we can fix. You must stop your activities there while we figure it out.” Instead it would have been. “Hey-heads up. We found this problem and fixed it (or are fixing it). Just didn’t want you to be unaware.”) We are the newest program on the block, staffed by a bunch of new people…why is it that WE are finding all the bugs in the machine? Is it that no one else has cared enough before? Or is it that they are so worn down by the supra-geniuses’ actions that they have stopped caring. (I can really see this happening!) Everyday I feel like I have to find some reason to continue. The pool of reasons is shrinking.

The hobby. Well, I derive pleasure in seeing all my friends, but I’m a bit weary of being gone every weekend. There is so much work involved in an administrative aspect that I’m also busy at night after work. I receive ~50 emails a day! Then there is the fact that I am the trend setter right now and must look smashing every second. (Doesn’t quite always happen!) I am always waist deep in a project to keep up appearances! (Right now I must hand-appliqué 18 crescents and 16 roses on dupioni silk.)

I self-medicated Aimless-style to de-stress this last weekend. I was so pleased with the results, I did it again yesterday. (Surprisingly, I haven’t done this in years! Inspired by some people at an art fair. A group of people who were obviously family, whether by blood or not. Made me miss Aimless, but not enough to be surrounded by her chaos in more than small bits. Made me examine my relationships. I do have this family now—with my group within the hobby. Makes the endless hobby weekends bearable.)

Amazingly enough, it actually slowed me down enough to really speak with the kids. I got some insights on them that I’ve been missing. Damn stress. Where it really helped was to figure out the Teen. He has a lot of friends, but he’s really a loner. He does a variety of sports, likes the particularly demanding ones: wrestling, boxing, football, and tennis. He likes poetry and Shakespeare! He’s still an inspired artist. He’s really the sensitive, tragic, dark type. He’s pretty cool. The type that some girl is going to be lucky to have around—if he ever finds one that is cool enough for him. He’s pretty picky there. He describes girls his own age as vapid. He’s probably not wrong. The only thing I’m worried about now is that he’s happy with who he is and has enough self-confidence to be as well adjusted as any teen male. I think he’s ok there, but I’m Mom—I’m supposed to be concerned.

The Kindergartener is having some trouble adjusting to kids who aren’t as nice as him. He’s really a sweet, kind little boy who just wants everyone to be happy. He’ll sacrifice his own happiness to make someone else smile, often giving up a toy he loves to his brother to make him stop crying. I hate that he’s hurt by others and that he will have to learn that not everyone is as sweet and kind as him.

The Youngest. Not really a toddler anymore, not quite a little boy. I’m a bit worried about his temper. I’m hoping that it will get under control a bit as he discovers to better communicate it. Right now, when he’s told he’s wrong or gets in trouble, he stomps off, and/or throws, hits, or kicks something—all with a BIG POUT. I don’t think he feels like he is heard because he has 2 older brothers who communicate better. He’s getting better as we tell him how sweet he is—and he lives up to it!

Oh, and the Dog. Well. He’s a dog. He’s remarkably well-trained and calm for an unaltered adolescent male. He won’t remain unaltered for too much longer. He chews anything he can drag outside un-noticed (A pack of thank you notes??!! WHY???!!) . He’s tall enough to counter cruise without even stretching-though he doesn’t do this unless we leave something irresistible. He’s about 150 lbs. right now at just over a year. We are having some dominance issues. He thinks he’s equal to the kids, and occasionally even challenges me. I had to get after the Teen for playing too rough. If he decided to play like that with the wrong person I will be putting the “vicious animal” down by a court order. People ask us if he’s a good guard dog. Yup, if the burglar is either allergic, trips over him, or slips in a puddle of drool.

Mother's Day

2006-05-15T16:25:00.000-07:00

Happy Happy

Because of the hobby, we were packing up a bunch of camping gear in the rain and driving home.

I did talk to both of my mothers.

The biological one is ok. Sounds like she's about the same. Felt guilty cuz we haven't seen her in forever. We are usually busy weekends and she doesn't drive at night. It's hard to always drag the kids to her house.

My mom sounds about the same, too. She really needs to stop drinking the crazy kool-aid. I'll be seeing them Thurs. She tried to do the guilt thing, but that can go both ways. She goes to Grand Rapids at least once a week for fun. Lansing is the same distance away...

Use your turn signal, North Carolina!!

2006-05-06T16:49:00.000-07:00

They are INSANE drivers there in Raleigh!! No use of turn signals and people whipping from the far left in front of a lane of traffic to turn right. They are NUTS--and I drive in Detroit regularly!! They make Detroit look tame.

The business trip was neat. I have a few postitions I will be interested in, later. AND I'm pretty certain they will remember me as I had been in a Turkish ceremony and the henna remained on the hands. The bad thing is that they will remember me as the wackado from MI with the henna on the hands...(Boy, did I scrub--to no avail!)

I like NC. The women, in general, are fantastic. Southern style venom is delivered with a sweet voice and a charming smile. I managed to fit RIGHT IN.

The best part is how long they experience spring. I was sleeping with my screen door open.

Trying to end up there...

Looking for a car

2006-04-10T18:02:00.000-07:00

New enough for us to obtain a loan.

Mine WAS a 93 Cadillac Seville STS. I loved the black interior. Don't think I can get a loan on anything older than a 96 or 97.

Also looking at big trucks with extended cabs--so we can cram kids, teen, and dog in...

I really HATE my IT guy.

2006-04-06T14:12:00.000-07:00

I hate going to him so that I am subjected to his rude, abusive behavior. I hate the way he acts superior just because he knows about computers. Let me clue everyone in here: IT’S HIS JOB TO KNOW THIS!! I have no doubt that if I took some classes and spent every second on the computer as he does, I could do it, too. I’d like to see him run some electroporation experiments, or do any nursing, or convince people that they don’t want to break the law and explain the intricacies of the federal regulation I enforce--without training. Bloody assjack.

I had written his behavior off as typical “IT guy”. UNFAIR. Sascha certainly is not like this. Garth and Tom, other dear IT friends, are the antithesis of this moron. He just doesn’t know how to function. I started to treat him like I do every other person and hold him accountable for normal, human behavior. Superior?? Ha, You can’t even function around people, buddy. You are the definition of inferior creature.

To get a good picture in your head, combine Uncle Fester and Gollum (not only looks, but CHARACTER). You’ve got him. Now you can place him in his spot—the server closet. Never has the lights on, because the glow of three monitors is obviously enough to bring out the pasty white. Responds mostly in grunts and monsyllables. God help you if he does decide to speak—negative, mean, and racist.

Yup, I really hate my IT guy.

Mother stands for comfort

2006-04-04T15:15:00.000-07:00

This was a bit hard to write. It almost feels like a betrayal by painting her in such a bad light. But expressing my feelings about her is not a betrayal. If you know her, you know she is talented, kind, and good hearted to strangers. (So much so that at one point, she had a collage titled “My family”. Many pictures of several strangers. I’m fairly certain that no one I know, beside my grandma, is on that collage—including me.) She really would rather pick up strangers to encompass temporarily than to work on family relationships.

She’s caring. She adopted and raised me—going without so we could exist. She brought me up despite some really hard times. She’s really thoughtful in ways I would like to emulate. She’s patient with children and loves teaching them “down on the farm” type things.

Occasionally I reflect on how far she came. She didn’t have a good childhood. Dad died young. Mom remarried what sounded like an abusive drunk. She recounts a story of her first experience driving—home in a blizzard at age 10 or 12 because he was drunk. It doesn’t sound like my grandma had much of a backbone at protecting the kids. (She certainly hasn’t ever shown ME evidence of one.)

So, my mom is pretty much no one I ever go to for real advice. I learned this the hard way in my 20’s. Her advice is not grounded in sanity. She is not known for level, clear headed rational thought.

I should have guessed when I was a teen and she FOUND GOD. Not in the we-had-been-going-to church-and-I-even-attended-church-school-for-most-of-my-elementary-years but in the speaking-in-tongues-hand-waving-passing-out-just-short-of-snake handlin’ way. When I was 16 or 17, she dragged me to her latest church—or as I think of it, “The beginning of the downhill religious slide”. It was there that she believed she had been healed. Somehow, despite the fact that she had not had a uterus since her 20’s, she had been healed and she was pregnant. This went on until it became apparent that she just wasn’t pregnant, several months later. God also told her that I was going to marry (at age 18) the semi-balding, epileptic, 20ish going on 60ish son of her preacher. (Over 15 yrs later and I’m still shuddering at this one! EEEWW!)

So, for years after I moved out, it was how terrible and UNGODLY I was. I was accused (not to my face, mind you) of numerous horrible things to different people. People I knew were accused of heinous acts—but she would never name names. This was the tip-off. If she had even one leg in sanity, she would be telling me who did these things so that I could protect myself and my son. The fact that I was terrible was all supported by the fact that I was a screaming punk rock rebel—trying to distance myself as much as possible from a society I loathed because of it’s screwed up values. (Now I realize that in my 20 yr old mind, society meant HER.) Please don’t for a minute think that I DIDN’T do some things I wish I hadn’t, but mostly in a “Why did I put myself through that?” way than in a “I was a really horrible person” way.

I was about 24 when I started coming around to realizing that ‘this was NOT normal’. She would ebb and flow; I was ok one day, but terrible and going straight to hell the next. Even the boss I had during that period knew about it and would ask where I was on the “Mom scale”. (That boss was great and I gave her more grey than she deserved!) The unfortunate thing was that my dad bought in to her insanity. Despite the fact that we had previously been close, I became persona non grata to him because of her lies and his flawed perception. I wasn’t living the “Christian, doily head wearing, married with 16 kids” life they wanted for me, so it was easier for him to write me off. (Someday I will write about the effects of male indifference/absence on a developing female…not today.) So I stopped caring about their opinions and realized that I needed and wanted very little from them.

Well, this indifference on my part had an effect. After I was happily married and truly well out of her sphere, she turned the crazy on daddy dearest. “He was trying to kill her. He was in poor health—she was sure he’d be dead next year. He was having an affair. He had driven them into bankruptcy by spending all his money on the floozy.” There was one poisoning episode: her dentist supposedly told her that he noted symptoms on her teeth that pointed to arsenic poisoning. She supposedly sent a hair sample to a lab in CA and they confirmed it. Bingo, dad was poisoning her! (Did I mention at this time that she obsessively trash picks and occasionally eats things from it?? Or that she had been working recently with lumber from that trash, which very well could have been treated with arsenic??) Did she leave him, or go to a REAL Dr. or anything SANE? Oh heck no! If she left, it was right next door, and she went back. They have been so on and off that I don’t even bother to keep track.

I occasionally feel sorry for my dad, but mostly I remember how HE FREAKING ABANDONED ME and thought the worst. He wouldn’t ever set foot in my UNGODLY house; and minimized all contact for years. In the beginning I did try to reach out, but he was so ingrained to NOT spend time with me that he just doesn’t. Life is too short to deal with this. They are both stressed and terribly unhappy. I have tried to help, but now I don’t need to be drawn into their mess. I’m not even bothering disguising the fact that now I’m echoing him—You’ve decided how you need to live and I want no part of it.

I'm ok--the car isn't

2006-04-04T05:29:00.000-07:00

I got in a car accident today. I'm fine. It was particularly stupid. I was about to pull off the road because my windshield had fogged as I turned onto the VERY sunny street, when I hit a car that had been abandoned on the four lane, super busy street. I totalled my car.
Really torqed at the 911 operator who asked why I was crying. "because I am a bit in shock and I just totalled my car..." She also couldn't understand, though I told her where I was and what happened, that I wasn't in a parking lot.
No ticket. The officer was really nice. He obviously felt so sorry for me he didn't press me that I handed him the insurance for our van and took that we had insurance on faith. I'm pretty sure the fact that I was crying so hard I couldn't speak helped. I think my first words to him were hiccuped incredulity, "But, there's no one in that car!!" THe fact that the person who had abandoned it had many arrest warrants out and he got to search the car probably didn't hurt, either.
Bless the hubster. Not even an inch upset. He was so worried that I was hurt after he saw the damage. The mantra is "everything will be all right. I can get another car."
I know it's really materialistic, but I loved that car. It went REALLY fast and drove super well--I can't believe the difference between that and others. We can't afford another like it right now, even with my new raise.

One of the bravest women on the planet

2006-04-03T14:01:00.001-07:00

Kudos to her

implosion

2006-03-17T19:43:00.000-08:00

My mother has imploded again. I will blog about it soon. I knew it was about time--she had been far too normal for the past few months. She's cyclic like that. If we are lucky we get 2 months of pessimistic normality and then KAPOW--it's a few months of the crazies. It used to stress me out--now it is just routine. Sad for her, because I'm pretty certain the reason was attention anyhow. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. If things are going well, she creates something. She's only happy when the world is ending.

The Teen follwed suit. Got suspended for fighting. Really what he did was shove someone back. I wouldn't have had an issue with him defending himself, but he admits he knew it wasn't REALLY necessary AND he knew he could get suspended. Even more frustrating that I can't get him to understand that the truly superior person has the self control to not have to touch someone else--or that NOT shoving back isn't wussing out--especially if you don't necessarily back off. GAAA teenagers!!

Not feeling very tolerant today

2006-03-01T17:06:00.000-08:00

I've decided that I HATE iran. I'm having REAL problems with muslims, too. The only reason I haven't tipped over to being TOTALLY intolerant there is that I just heard of some PEACEFUL protests by muslims in Detroit over the state of stupidity in the middle east. At least SOMEONE is speaking out in a sane way.

iran's government is totally tied to their muslim clerics. The same clerics that have recently PUBLICALLY said all the Jews should be dead. (This is not confined to iran, certainly, but it is iran that I am ranting about today.) The same clerics that say just about every other civilized country on the planet is their enemy. The same clerics who recently said they would nuke their enemies. THE SAME PEOPLE WHO ARE ENRICHING URANIUM for their "energy program". Yeah right. Sitting on the world's greatest reserves of oil and they need nukes for energy.

Anyone else a bit concerned? (By concerned, you may read total-freaking-panic.)

Energy is ALWAYS conserved

2006-02-14T18:50:00.000-08:00

I've been having a hard time with faith. I have none. I grew up with HEAVY, hand waving, just short of snake handlin' religion and hated it. Science is better. Hard, Concrete. Sure, there may always be another question raised by the one you just answered, but there are rules to be followed and always tangible PROOF. Religion has no proof--only faith. That leaves me with no PROOF and unanswerable questions. I have no faith.

So from a nursing background and a science degree, I have been contemplating life, death, God, and souls. During the nursing days I saw living bodies lacking the soul (if that is what you call that spark that makes the SELF), illness, death and everything in between. There IS something there that is not explained by the simple elemental construction. Between death and life, nothing elemental changes. The only real change that I can be sure of is that there were chemical changes happening and then they stopped. Neurons stopped firing, blood stopped pumping. The electricity that was a human ceases. That spark leaves. Most religious people tells us that this is the soul and it goes somewhere blissful (or not) for eternity. Some people say that nope, this is the end.

So, I've been struggling. I have no faith and I'm confused and unhappy.

My wonderful husband who has faith saw this. He hurts when I hurt. He also knows intimately how much I question the world--being driven nuts daily by me questioning everything. He knows what stock I put in science. That I have a driving need to have proof --and things put in a context that makes sense. Logical, sane order.
He helped me make some sense out of madness by reminding me of one simple key scientific concept: energy is ALWAYS conserved. That spark--and I do believe in that--is going to go somewhere else. Just like the elements that had made up our bodies will be remade into something else.
Being reminded of concept in this way brought much comfort. It was sane, it was logical. Certainly I don't know where that spark goes, but that IS what I like about science: each answer brings new questions. I may someday find out that answer.

Energy is ALWAYS conserved.

We lost one of the good guys today

2006-01-25T19:45:00.000-08:00

I certainly can't express it better than this; even if I could find some words right now.

Val, I love you.

A peek behind the curtain

2006-01-20T16:02:00.000-08:00

The lights went on.

I figured out what my BIG TRAINING is all about. It's a peek behind the curtain so that when I am on stage, I understand my lines and the other characters. It's pretty exciting.

The big meeting went well. I respect my supervisors even more for dealing with my OLD bosses. (It was cheap shot day. Boy, were they distributing the rounds!) I am once again glad I chose to leave them to come over where I am now. Then, today, I helped the project director on their work plan. It was an illuminating process looking at every word and anticipating EVERY possible meaning.

AND I am watching a MASTER at this! Gods, the director is good! I have read a few books to prepare (Getting to Yes and Dealing with People You Can't Stand). It was almost like I could pull an example from the books and applying it to that meeting. It was pretty impressive. I think he covered every chapter!

What's really neat is how my hobby and my career are paralleling each other. I look at them both as a game. Who wins is determined by how well I think, communicate, and understand group dynamics; the stakes are just higher at one table.

Well, yeah I knew I was a

2006-01-16T16:50:00.000-08:00

bitch. Have you READ any of my posts about work??!!

This just proves my point.

At a store I HATE because they are the only one close who has my filter for my humidifier. Not only do they have questionable business practises --especially involving employees--but their PATRONS ARE MORONS!!! (Yup, including me for returning there!)

Walking to my car behind a guy with his one tiny bag in a cart to my car.
Watching him try to wedge his cart between his truck and my driver's side, only to realize that
1.) it's too small
2.) He'd have to go in first and open the door, etc....

So back out it comes.

"I'll just be a few minutes", says he, looking for his keys.

"OR" I say, moving his cart away from my car and out of my way, "I could move this, and be in my car and out of here before you find your keys."

and did just that! I did thank him as I left...is that plus or minus bitch points??

Karma happens

2006-01-16T16:40:00.000-08:00

So, since I found out the budget for the program I work on for the federal government was SLASHED dramatically, I've been wondering what exactly will happen. The budget supports the federal program and that of 3 states. Well, yesterday I found out. MI got their comeuppance.
They had an opportunity, even though we were FAR behind this bug, to make a difference. Instead they used the money given them as a welfare/jobs program, promoting many to middle management. They also floated many other programs on this money. (When I worked for them we had a BIG in-service for all programs. We spoke about the program for 1/2 to 1 hr on one day--thus justifying that everyone in every program draw their salary for the day from my program budget....)
Instead of actually regulating the articles that spread the pest, they ignored that part for 3 years. It was only last year, after WE had been doing it for them, that they realized that they looked REALLY BAD and future bad things could happen, that they began. They started a turf war and messed up a bunch of positive influences on the industry that we had carefully cultivated. SO rampant were they would visit a company, contract in hand--sign here...AND they misinformed the companies about OUR rules and regs.
For the last year, the one "gateway" they could successfully hold was under-defensed. They stopped commercial shipments well, but were not able to even affect the flow of noncommercial stuff because key head "diplomats" did not do their job and mesh another dept. with theirs, ensuring cooperation and compliance. In short, they couldn't play well with others.
So, now we are all operating on less than what MI usually gets. And I found out that they are getting a mere smidgen of THAT. BYE BYE program. What's really fun: I think I get to be there when they find out what they get. I'm practicing my poker face.
I'm guilty about NOT feeling guilty. The only ones I feel sorry for knew that they were limited term employees anyhow. My previous colleagues made my life hell. While I'm afraid of karma hitting me if I actively HOPE they all lose their jobs, I won't bring myself to feel sorry for them if they do. And I don't see how they can't.

subconscious hi-jacking

2006-01-06T09:44:00.000-08:00

Weird dream--which I'm not recounting here, because it could be REALLY embarrassing. It did involve me discussing the fact that I simply am not capable of the act of infidelity. It grates against my personal code in ways not many other topics do. (And really, if you can't treat the one person you VOWED to love and cherish courteously enough to honorably end the marriage BEFORE you go off, what can the rest of the world expect of you???!!)

That didn't bother me--the reason for the dream DID. I'm not very happy right now. My subconscious made me admit it. I don't know how to fix it. I feel like I've lost a part of myself. It has been gone for a while. For a bit, I was grateful, as I connected that part with a former life I turned from. To me, losing that part was proof that I was growing. Now I realize that a large part of creativity, wonder and awe at the world, and spontaneity went with it. I miss those parts. I want them back, but it seems as if the organization that is necessary to keep moving forward will keep them suppressed for a while more.
Another part has to do with my marriage. Lately, if I didn't have kids I probably would be working late a lot. It seems that every day I come home, I face an adversary. A not very pleasant one. I come home to doom and gloom EVERYDAY. It really bothers me because he CHOSE to stay at home with the kids. If he's that unhappy, he can go back to work. The kids are picking up on it and no longer greet me with smiles. The only one happy to see me is my dog.
Work--hah--he's going through a "career crisis". Doesn't know what he wants to do, so he dropped out of school--WITHOUT TELLING ME. (Didn't think it was important enough to mention!???! And now I'm a bitch because I have some trust issues--or I ask about it...) (And, oh yeah, that lack of a degree is really going to improve his options!!) He keeps giving me the line that it's only a break, but I see no intent or movement to return. It feels REALLY unfair to me: for years he was doing the "I can't wait until you graduate, so we can get ahead". I was always at least working OR going to school. Both, for most of the time. Now, it really feels like it was really, "I can't wait until you graduate, so I can stop working".
And now I do have trust issues. I told him I would only do this "stint" with our hobby after he graduated. I only said yes to this because he would have graduated BEFORE the major part of the work began. I feel baited. What else is he hiding??

So, even while I'm REALLY bothered by people who commit what I feel is the ULTIMATE betrayal, I have gained a new disturbing understanding: sometimes it is just overwhelming to have someone be NICE and to be happy to see you.

OOPS!

2005-12-31T08:37:00.000-08:00

So, it was a nice weekend last weekend...had company from out of town that I had a great time with. I even wore the nose ring. Drank WAY too much wine and stayed up late all weekend.

Went back to work Mon. morning, a bit tired and groggy. Now, I work in an office with a bunch of veterinarians. They were nice enough to give me some space, but I have nothing to do with their program and they are not remotely near my chain of command. I don't use their equipment; I can't "talk shop" with them. It's a great, cordial relationship between me and them. Thus, I was surprised when a vet asked me about a large print file involving vets this morning. ???!!!

While I'm trying to figure that conversation out, the vet I used to share an office with stopped to chat. Before she left, she did the "You may want to check a mirror before too long..." BING BING BING, flashing lights. I won the dork jackpot! I had left the nose ring in!

FODDER for Crows

2005-12-29T17:13:00.000-08:00

So disappointed.

Long ago, I made it a policy to NOT start a series until ALL of the books are finished.

(Harry Potter was an execption--I didn't think it was going to be "adult enough" to hook me. It is pure torment. The only joy is re-reading the series right before the new one comes out. The ending is always bittersweet because you know the next one won't arrive anytime soon.)

So, when a friend recommended George R R Martin's series, the hubster bit. He was extolling the virtues of the first book when I stole it. I assumed from the jacket it was a 3 book series and it was finished. I WAS WRONG. I zoomed through the series, realizing --with an ever growing horror--as I neared the end of the 3rd, that the series was in no way going to be finished by the end of this book. Oh, well. They were good. It would be worth it.

So we waited for the 4th--and supposedly final--book. We got each other a copy for Christmas. (My first EVER Christmas return!) We had heard before the release that it was going to turn into a 5 book series, because he just couldn't fit it all in. I expected the same "whirlwind" read, but at least some closure. What I got was fodder and filler. Vast introduction of new characters that don't seem to have much of a point. A mere mention of the passing of characters who looked to be REALLY interesting. Worse, I'm not sure that 50% of what did happen is even going to be relevant to the next book. Leaves me to suspect that he's drawing things out in a bid for more money. (If the book were worth the $30 I desperately paid for it, I wouldn't even begrudge him this...)

AND I'm really frustrated because the Hubster reads so slowly that I'm going to forget what even happened before he ever finishes!! I can't even talk to him about it. GRR.

It was like eating iceberg lettuce. I'm not satisfied. No nutritional value.

Those parenting books are WRONG

2005-12-24T13:18:00.000-08:00

I clicker train my dog. It has worked wonders. It's a wonderful system of positive reinforcement. Sure, it involves treats, but the only time that he consistently gets one is during the introduction of a new concept. Then it's pats, "good dogs", and a treat occasionally.

So I've been applying many of the same positive reinforcement to the kids. Zeke has been adamently AGAINST potty training. Wouldn't go near the potty. "I HATE the potty!" Despite the fact that ALL the parenting books warning on giving candy as a reward, I decided to give it a try.

Well, thanks to positive reinforcement and candy, he toilet-trained himself. IN ONE DAY. He was ready, finally. After a week of him pulling off every diaper--or coming to get changed the second he was finished, I told him that if he went potty on the potty, he would get candy.

Last night he ran around all night without pants. At least twice an hour, he ran to the potty, climbed up so that he was on hands and knees over the bowl, and went potty (or tried). Each time he came running to me, "I went potty. I want candy." Sure he had a sugar high and ran around like a maniac all night, but he crashed eventually.

Today he has mastered the pulling on and off of the pants. He is even phasing himself out of the candy phase. I am looking at the end of diapers--FOREVER!! (If I am ever lucky enough to be a grandparent, I will HAND THE BABY BACK!!!!)

Screw you Dr. Spock!

PMS was easier when I was 20.

2005-12-17T06:39:00.000-08:00

It was a crappy day. Just those things that SEEM big when you are ragingly premenstrual.

I opened my email at work to find that I had blown a deadline. I don’t know how important it actually was (it was for a draft of a draft…) but it was still a deadline. I really have no idea how it didn’t even MAKE my radar to slip off it…THAT may be the worst part about it—aside from looking like an ass.

Then I spent 2 hours wasting my time learning about my EEO rights—online with a few morons that didn’t get that this was a “this is just training, contact the appropriate people if you have specific situations to ask about” thing.

It was the last day for the woman I have the most in common with in my new office. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy here (unlike the previous office…) but she is great! I’ll really miss her. Good Luck, Sherolyn!!!

I had to do business with a company owner I don’t like—and I had to be professional about it. He signed the agreement this time and was cordial, even.

I miss being spiritual. The ceremony of Christianity, Wicca, whatever…I just DOUBT everything. I have no faith.

Well, this one may be big…
And the most disturbing of all: I realized I'm not looking forward to seeing the Hubster at the end of the day today. I don’t know when it went away. I have a few ideas why. He seems to dismiss them when I bring them up. It’s gotten so that I can’t bring them up because then I’m the bitch who can’t let things go—and therefore to blame…but there has been no resolution. It’s obviously affecting things. If it weren’t for the kids, I suspect I’d work late a lot.

AND, while I like that the Teenager is involved with a sport, and doesn’t have time for the thug friends he HAD been hanging with…I REALLY don’t love spending an hour with unitard-wearing teens—to watch my kid for like 3 mins! Yup, wrestling. I always said he’d be my opposite, but I predicted football.

SICK SICK SICK

2005-12-10T05:45:00.000-08:00

I don't remember the last time I was this ill. The night before last I came down with something that hit me in a projectile way at 4 am. Wasn't surprised--the youngest kids had it, it was inevitiable. What did surprise me was how far it took me. They bounced back within 12 hrs or so. By 4pm that same day, with the hubster groaning and laying on the bathroom floor, I was making sure that the 5yr old knew our address and how to dial 911.

Here's to management acumen of a fly!

2005-12-01T14:58:00.000-08:00

I know I complain about my state gov. often. They deserve it. I can't put into print how inadequate and incompetent one dept. of that government is. It would involve too many obscenities.

Currently, I am watching them implement policies that will lead to the EXTINCTION of a species in North America. AND THERE IS NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO ABOUT IT! Fucking idiots! All they want is money so they can squander it on expensive technology and create their own departmental welfare program. Then those ancient, obsolete farts with their draconic management policies can brag how many people they manage and what big budgets they have.

LET ME CLUE YOU IN HERE! YOU ARE INCOMPETENT! It doesn't matter how many people you have or how much money your dept. has--you have effectively proven you don't know how to use it!!

Gods, if MY program managers and supervisors here in the Fed. gov. weren't so darn good, I'd move today.

For everyone else: MOVE away! YOU ARE DOOMED! Pay taxes somewhere where they care.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2005-11-24T11:46:00.000-08:00

Diva Turkey

Kindergarten

2005-11-17T15:00:00.000-08:00

So the kindergartner is learning F's this week. He starts with tracing and learning the sound, which involves circling pictures which begin with "F".

He missed circling a fence.

I asked him if he knew what it was. He replied very confidently.

"It is an appetizer!"

I hate the "media" anyhow

2005-11-16T08:59:00.000-08:00

Don't really care about the accuracy of the actual story, but I'm certain it's public record, and you can check it out, if you wish. THE OVERALL MESSAGE IS DEAD-ON. I'm sick of the Anti-America sentiment. I'm sick of us being the bad guy. Are we perfect? Oh heck no! But we are better than any alternative I can think of.

Oh and ignore the cheesy, funereal music!

http://www.wtv-zone.com/Mary/THISWILLMAKEYOUPROUD.HTML

Here's to more positive reporting. I've grown up. Along the way I learned to appreciate that there are people I don't know that will die to keep me safe-whether they get that appreciation or not, just because they believe in the greater good.

Here's to them! THanks!

Scary balloon, I will bark you into submission!

2005-11-13T07:13:00.000-08:00

I think I've got the pic thing figured out!

I think....

Where is the FREAKIN OUTRAGE?? (unusal profanity galore!)

2005-11-11T17:09:00.000-08:00

1. Not ALL Muslims are bad. From the reading/studying both Qu'ran and Bible, it looks pretty much the same.
2. I'm neither Chrisitan or Muslim.
3. Radicals in either religion SUCK.

THAT BEING SAID....WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE?

In France, malcontent youths, from a mainly Muslim background, were torching NURSERY SCHOOLS.......

In Indonesia, Christian schoolgirls are being beheaded by Muslim psychotics....

I want the same fucking outrage that Americans received when a REPORT was given that we put a fucking BOOK down a toilet to get info from a guy who(because of his RADICAL beliefs) probably thinks it's ok to behead a schoolgirl.

Fucking media

REAL job perks

2005-11-10T18:44:00.000-08:00

My boss is an incredible woman who I like, admire, and respect very much.
AND today I found out exactly how much the feeling is returned-a good amt. Good enough to make me REALLY happy. Being respected by someone you respect is one of those indescribable good feelings.

Personal feelings, aside, she is a darn good boss. Delegates well-no micromanaging, FIXES problems to the best of her abilities so that her employees can do a good job, fosters a sense of teamwork, logically assess situations, (I could go on for a bit...)

In fact, I know I complain about the OTHER people I have to deal with, but OUR branch of this project rocks! Everyone has something good to contribute. The only one who I didn't care for (cuz he asked me to lie about .5 hr on my timesheet-yeah, cuz that extra money really will offset the guilt about lying and stealing, not to mention the rep/consequences when it is discovered...) moved to TX.

Job perks

2005-11-09T14:18:00.000-08:00

Sometimes my job can be, well, tedious.
Part involves inspecting the work of crude, uneducated men. Not bad guys, but ...well, crude.
We don't have much in common. It's not very stimulating.

NOT TODAY. Watching a cute, well built guy w/sexy E. European accent work up a sweat.

Today I am quite stimulated, thank you.

The Teenaged mind

2005-11-08T18:17:00.000-08:00

So I understand why he might have thought it would be fun to model a brain with his brothers out of the monumental amount of spaghetti we had leftover. He IS my kid--waste not, creative usage--blah blah blah.

However, I do not understand why there were spiders and teeny tiny traffic cones in it.

OR WHY HE LEFT IT IN THE BASEMENT UNDERNEATH THE STAIRS.

Life is...well life

2005-11-04T17:41:00.000-08:00

Last month I applied for and was accepted into a nationwide training program with my job for the feds. YAY for me. Well, despite the developers signature "Empowered employees can work miracles", it had no trust falls, hugging, or anything. It was great and I will benefit in the next year while I work my ass off.
I came home that weekend, spent, to a "we planned on attending a MAJOR event" with our hobby. Involves seeing who becomes the next Pres./VP. Well, you guessed it--turns out to be US! More work. Still, fun and good.

Then, not so good. That Sun. my biological g-ma died. Guilt at not knowing her well enough. Sad.

THEN, night after funeral, my mother called with worse news about my dad's health. She made it sound like he was dying tomorrow. REALLY NOT GOOD.

The thing to remember: Mom is a freaking attention seeking drama queen!! Went to actual Dr. w/Dad. Yes, there was a mass on an x-ray, but they don't think it is returning cancer. More like degenerative bone diease--(which is what they actually diagnosed yesterday.) Bloodwork doesn't indicate cancer. Yay for now.

Now, before you get all "Your mom was stressed, etc." YOU HAVEN"T LIVED WITH THE CRAZY LADY AS MOM FOR #% YRS!!!!! She's been trying to convince me he's been dying for at least the last 5 yrs--probably longer. She exagerates and downright lies to get attention. (The last thing was that she was being poisoned...) I don't even want to imagine what stories whe USED to (and probably still does) tell about ME during my period of insanity (otherwise known as my punk idiot days). I don't know most of the time if I like my own mother.

I guess it's all good--I at least know I don't suck my thumb under the bed when hit with bunches of stress.

As the hourglass turns.... (Is that the way it goes?)

Idiots reduced me to pirate speak!

2005-10-11T14:44:00.000-07:00

ARGH ARGH ARGH.

I just moved into a new office, recently-- to a temporary spot until they build me an office.
This office had wanted more space, but couldn't get cleared for it, until I came along. (I'm not their dept. , we are just renting space.) My physical presence allowed them to put in 3 new window offices and a conference room.

How do they show their thanks?
1. Plan to put me into a CUBICLE in what is basically a hall.

2. Informed me last Fri. that the construction was beginning. The answer to my direct question of "should I pack up now, because I am going to D.C. week of 17th?" was "not yet, we'll let you know". Today I came back to my office to access and print a document for tomowrrow am and I HAD NO POWER OR INTERNET. The rest of the office was gone. My lone temporary cubicle with all my stuff was left. I had to do overtime to get back up and running , so I can make it to important appointments ---and then pack up to move to the LUNCH TABLE until they finish.

I made certain to go to the people responsible and left my business card with the cell info THAT THEY ALREADY HAD, so that they can contact me if they need to disrupt my entire life again.

pissed,pissed,PISSED

ARGH

SupaStar

2005-10-09T06:30:00.000-07:00

Took the pup out for an event yesterday. (Hobby involves a bunch of people.) I want a well socialized dog, so I take him as much as possible. Several things came out.
1. People are really afraid of big dogs. My 6 month puppy is well over 100 lbs and larger than most adult dogs (and some adults...) People approached with extreme caution--or went well out of the way to avoid him. It doesn't seem to matter that I may have one of the most submissive dogs EVER and a harsh look is enough to make him run for cover...
YAY. This is why I wanted him. He doesn't need to be mean--just daunting.
2. People who DID approach LOVE HIM!!!! He had throngs of adoring public ALL DAY! Kids rolling on him, women fawning, men playing....He was in heaven. People I know didn't say hi, but went for the pup. People I didn't know came over in the droves to meet him.

This dog had his day. I suspect that he may have more.

darn 100+ lb puppy

2005-10-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

took out my knee at a full run last week.

Meeting the orthopedic guy that rebuilt the hubster's knee next week. Hopefully it isn't too drastic.

Good news is that it feels better after he bumped it (into place?) yesterday.

I'm not afraid to yell at your children

2005-09-17T05:24:00.000-07:00

Really sick of parents who don't discipline their kids.

At the mall school shopping for the Teenager. (There may be a story on BUYING a concert shirt at HOT TOPICS-EEK-soon!)

The two small ones and I ditched the Teenager and Hubster (saint that he is) at a air-filled jumping station complete with a balloon tent. Some nasty little boy knocked my 2yr old over, LAID ON TOP OF HIM, and grabbed his balloon out of his hands.

I actually yelled, with volume, "NO". And proceeded in my most nasty mom voice, "You WILL return that RIGHT NOW!"

Everyone stared. A few with big smiles. Little boy went back to parents after shooting me a few sullen glances. Parents did not even have the decency to look or act chagrined! Not a word to little boy--or me and Toddler.

Well, we know who will end up in juvi by age 8. I wish we could lock up the parents, too.
At least rip their reproductive parts off/out, so they don't ruin more kids!

I like grey

2005-09-16T17:30:00.000-07:00

With all the hustle and bustle that comes with children, it seems that I had forgotten that there is a certain romance in a cool, grey, rainy day in early fall. Just a hint of the crisp sharp air that is fall; leaves that have just a hint of another coloring waiting to debut.

I wish I could spend the rest of the day in the tub with a book.

Wanker radar

2005-08-21T07:38:00.000-07:00

I guess I am a bit naive. I was very unhappy when I figured this out, but now I'm proud that I am not old and jaded. I intend never to be. I will bask in the fact that I will be the most genuine, friendly person possible with no agenda whatsoever.

Why the grim thoughts? My vacation. I am involved in a hobby that many other people belong to-- worldwide, even. I just spent the last 10 days camping with about 13,000 people. As with any organization that involves many, there are amazing group dynamics to watch. As a person who held a very powerful position last year, and may again, I watched. I watched people try to curry favor; I watched people try to reach around with a knife. Sadly enough, some of these people were those I had thought of as friends. I thought these people liked me for me and that I was just lucky enough to meet them because of that position. I thought my "wanker" radar was adequate.

So, my radar is beefed up. You may argue that that is jaded. I would say that it is just gilding on the rose.

Old colleagues

2005-07-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

A couple of you visited the old office today because your new condition SUCKS. No supplies, sucky internet connections, having to drive long distances on your time just to be in your work area....

Just one last visit before I close it Fri. to leave for my new office that will be even better than my old one.

I felt sorry for you because you were two of the sorta tolerable ones. You were complaining about your incompetent management. They are. And the guy who is now your boss is much worse than you know. He was mine for a bit. He was the worst manager I have ever had. (I just found out that HIS management won't let him make any important decisions--not that they do much better...) Call it karma because ya'll made the last few months I worked with you all pretty hellish.

I feel pretty smug knowing it is all downhill for you. Knowing how you would feel pretty terrible by how much I revel in your absence is fun, too. I don't even have to be petty or bitchy by telling you. It is enough for me to just KNOW.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Gosh darn Harry Potter

2005-07-18T06:24:00.000-07:00

When the Teenager was 10ish I was DEVASTATED by his indifference to reading. He could pretty much leave it. Goosebumps books came along and helped, but I think of them as the kid's equivalent to an adult's cheesey romance novel. Same plot over and over and over. No character development. BUT AT LEAST HE WAS READING. Frequently.

THEN came Harry Potter. He was immersed. He loved it. And the next four, waiting anxiously for each to be released. So came number 6. He said nothing, being a teen ager...but yesterday was his birthday (15), so we had a conversation a few days before that went something like this:

Me "What do you want for your birthday?"
T "Don' know" with shrug
Me "Do you want a party?"
T "No"
Me "Anything fun that you want to do?"
T shrug
Me "Hey, the new Harry Potter book is coming out soon. Are you even interested, or are you too old and cool?"
T-this got a smile "No, I want to read it."
Me "Well, you aren't getting it for your birthday because then I couldn't read it first."
T-a LAUGH!

So I have read it. It sucks starting a series that isn't completely finished. It's against my policy, I usually don't start. My thought here was "It's a kid's book, how much am I REALLY going to be crazed about the next one?"
BUNCHES! I did nothing yesterday until I finished. I did nothing after I finished because I was hormonal, emotional, tired (up 1/2 the night reading) and was tearful. The Hubster laughed and put in Tank Girl--which ALWAYS cheers me up.
So here I am, crazed for the next book--which could be the next century.
I FRIGGIN HATE HARRY POTTER!

Tragedy Averted and Lesson Learned!

2005-07-10T07:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had to go out of town for a bit. Instead of keeping Barley in the crate for an ungodly period of time, we left him in the mudroom with a heaping pan of water, some food, and access to the outside (6 ft. fenced-in) yard. We only planned on being gone about 8 hrs. We've done this before, with no problems.
Well, Barley LOVES me. He will do anything to be with me. Since I was not letting him in the house, he decided I needed to be found some other way. He DUG UNDER the fence to get his massive 60 lb (at 4 months) body out and started the search.
Fortunately, our neighbors found him in their yard and figured out that this was not a situation we would probably desire. They tied him up, left him some water, and left us a note. The neighbor on the other side checked up on him regularly.
We returned to the dog in the driveway and the note. As I jumped out of the moving car, I had all the "could-have-happeneds" spurring me on. The sinking feeling in my tummy was reminiscent of the best roller-coaster ride I have ever been on, minus all the fun.
Barley's fine. Owner is not so fine and still shaky. Got up early on Sun. to go buy breakfast bread for the neighbors. Barley helped deliver it.

Puppy love

2005-07-02T08:20:00.000-07:00

I love my new puppy. He's the best dog in the world. I’ve noticed that when we visit the doggy park that other dogs aren’t nearly as well trained. I’m certain it is because I know that MY dog may reach 250 lbs and I know that I could not control him otherwise, but it has turned me into an elitist. I may be smiling at you when you say you can’t control your 90 lb lab, but really I’m thinking, “Be a responsible dog owner! All it takes is about 20 min. a day, a clicker, and some good treats!” (And REALLY, if you don’t have 20 min a day for your dog, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A DOG!)
My 16 week old puppy knows “come” (even with other doggy distractions—I’m so PROUD!), “sit”, “leave it”, “down”, “off”, “go to your crate”, and “stay”. (Stay is a work in progress.) Most of these he’s had for several weeks. He’s been housebroken since about 10 weeks old. (I DO need to clicker him into going to a distant corner of the yard every time. Those mountains aren’t fun to step in!)
Things are going well. He’s really laid-back, sweet and eager to please. He fits right in to our family. Often the kids fall asleep near or on him. I find that I like having him around so much that I plan only trips where he can come. I’m pretty sold on this breed from this experience and recommend it highly (IF you have time to commit to being a responsible pet owner.) My only gripe is very minimal and fixable (once we have mastered the basics.) HE DROOLS! Giant rivers of drool, especially after he drinks. Currently, we just wipe his face after a drink and the problem is minimized. After he has all the basic commands, I am going to train him to wipe his own face after a drink. God bless the clicker!

Going, going, GONE!!

2005-06-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

Elvis has left the building. He took all my annoying co-workers with him! I am celebrating by running naked through the office.

The time of my life

2005-06-14T18:34:00.000-07:00

I'm so busy that occasionally I mourn for peace, silence, and a long bath (without a kid joining me).

Then I realize that I will miss this desparately. Kids running to greet me with open arms after work, kids prompting the dog to bark at the noisey duck, having to stop my work every two minutes because a kid has discovered to do something new (like jumping off the back of the extravagant new couch) and is shouting "lookmamalookmamalookmama!" It happens quickly and then they are gone. The Teenager is already looking toward leaving.

Life is good. There is a certain peace in this chaos.

In reply to a comment on Blue Haired Freaks:

2005-06-05T16:55:00.000-07:00

I DO work with a person who is a lot like me. There was a spark of recognition the moment we met. I like her quite a bit. I like most of the people I “work with” quite a bit. Unfortunately, we do not all work in the same office.

The people in my actual office are from a different branch of government. I haven’t ever worked with this many people I disliked so intensely for so many reasons. I’ve checked them all out. Not many of them possess the drive, creativity, or bravery it takes to EVER wear blue hair—in fact, only one possesses enough bravery to admit he’s different, but it is entirely submarined by other, less positive qualities.

I’ve named them all.

Petty- So named because when things go wrong, she calls me (as a rep. from my branch of government) instead of her boss or someone who could actually do something about it. (A recent example: our phone service went out last week. I got the call. I have NOTHING to do with that sort of thing.) If I were TRULY mean, I would insinuate that she might be too stupid to understand the “chain of command” concept, but it is not true. Often cold and standoffish; actively alienates and excludes me.

Lazy—His first day of work was a mandatory in-service/retreat. During one of the classes, he went off to nap because sitting around was “causing him physical pain”. HMMM. Doesn’t seem to cause him any problems to sit around the office or in his vehicle watching others work all day. Despite this, he used to be funny and pleasant to work with; lately he is snide and rude for no apparent reason.

BSB (back stabbing….) - tried to torch my career with absolute lies for no apparent gain in the first 3 months of our employment (back when I worked for her branch of gov.). I have her to thank for my EXCELLENT documenting skills and daily job journal. Used that journal to plant a bug in the ear of her boss. (She often went missing….) Career flambé, anyone? Outwardly pleasant. I think I like her best because at least she’s a known quality.

Go getter –not entirely trusted because he’s so openly ambitious. Otherwise he is pleasant, goal oriented and passionate about his work. Unfortunately not around much.

Whiner—see Petty, add a whine. Found frequently asleep in front of his computer. Vascilates between whiney and bitchy to caustic and funny. Ironically, voted “most-likely to have hung out w/ in my previous life”—at the club dancing with great smelling, ½ naked boys. Friends w/BSB.

Spineless—a nice little pushover. Superficially nice, but doesn’t stand up for anything. Will go with the flow (and lately, even though we used have good interaction, the flow has been anti-me….) Found with a smile accompanied by nervous laughter and a lot of “uh-huh-ing”.

BFB- big farm boy— I’m pretty certain that on weekends he can be found watching NASCAR with a Budweiser. Jovial in a frat boy w/beer sort of way. Not unpleasant. Friends w/Petty.

Confused- seems absent minded, but it could be a front, because I sense intelligence. Once had a situation where he was unreachable for a day. The story emerged that he had been having heart problems in his car in an area where cell phone coverage was spotty. (BSB and Lazy should remember that one; it could be a darn good excuse!) If there is a mishap in the field, it has happened to him. (Murphy must be a relative…)

Snake in the Grass (SIG) -- OH, did I misjudge HER for a LOOONG time! She’s good, really good. I thought she was pleasant, fair, and friendly. Seems innocuous. This is the older unmarried woman in the office who is active in the church and can often be found caring for sick relatives… I won’t discuss here what clued me in, but it was un-mistakable. Incredibly loyal to incompetent management who would kick her to the curb in a wink. Recently upset with ME after I provided her with job-relevant info that her management neglected to fill her in on. (They basically changed the rules mid-game and told the audience, but not the players.) Certainly would/does not do me the professional courtesy of providing me with any information that would help me with MY job. Also actively excluding me, but usually under a more pleasant guise than Petty.

I’m pretty certain that the “anti-me” feeling is because I jumped ship and transferred to a different branch of government before things got rough for them. Their management has been hanging their jobs over their heads for at least 4 months. They’ve undergone budget cuts directly due to my branch of gov. (and their management’s incompetence.) I also got an office with a door….:) It hasn’t been fun lately. On good days, I pity them; on bad days, I hope they all get laid off.

God bless the Freaks

2005-05-18T17:49:00.000-07:00

Parent Teacher conference. I was gone on an extended work trip at the beginning of the school year, so I don't know the teachers well this year. I also haven't seen many of The Teenager's old classmates. After one conference, I exited the room to a gothlet eying me with familiarity. The teacher greeted her with her name and I just about fell over: one of the Teenager's old classmates who I had absolutely loved in elementary school! Smart little girl. Now a blue haired freaklet! YAY! Couldn't help it, I blurted out how beautiful she was. (She is!) Probably embarrassed her to death.

Since my own mother despaired over me when I was a blue haired freaklet (exorcisms included), I told her mom that the freaklet would grow out of it. I realized later that this wasn't entirely true, nor did I want it to be.

My non-conformist attitude helped me on this path and I really like myself today: creative, smart, and highly motivated. Successful.

Those punk rock days helped shape me through adversity. Without them, I wouldn't have grown in this direction.

I haven't grown out of it; it shapes my every day and every decision. I just don't have an outward display anymore. I actually think it's pretty neat because I haven't conformed even to non-conformity.

SO, Blue Haired Chiclet, what I really meant was that you WILL grow. Not necessarily "out of it". If you don't, I'm going to hunt you down; because you are a smart girl and I like you. Because the alternative is to be a statistic and part of the system; the very thing you are trying to avoid now. Because if you don't it will break my heart. Because I don't want you to stagnate. I want you to enjoy life, but I want you to be successful, too. Because I still would have blue hair if I could. (I DO have a funny story on how I recently dyed my hair a color between Lucille Ball and Ronald McDonald. It was an accident, I SWEAR!)

The path you have chosen can suck you in. Trust me, when it spits you out you will not be pretty. Mangled and used up. A mutation, possibly malignant. Make certain that YOU are controlling your path and it is not controlling you. (If you want examples, let me know, I'll introduce you.) KEEP USING YOUR BRAIN. Neglect and drugs destroy it.

Now, make sure you stop by. I have some blue hair dye that I can't use anymore. I'll even help you put it in if you want.

(Maybe she can help me find my nose ring!)

Barley dog

2005-05-15T07:18:00.000-07:00

The puppy has been here for over a week. I'm tired. New baby tired.
Not too many SURPRISES. He usually gives us a warning that he needs to go, but it requires that I sleep near him on the couch. He warns at least three times a night. (Despite his size, he has a bladder of a walnut.) One of those times requires a wait of 15 min. while he decides where the grass needs to die on the lawn...

He's already 1/2 way through a 40 lb bag of dog food in his quest to rival his papa (250 lbs). The breeder told me he'd be gaining 5 lbs a week, SHE WASN'T WRONG! (And believe me, we are not encouraging him to grow more quickly!) Last night, in an attempt to eliminate the 15 min. night deposit, I removed the food bowl before I went to sleep. At the 5 am whining, I took him out, gave him a chewy for the hunger pangs and settled back to sleep. At 7 am I awoke to dog sleeping peacefully near the couch. NO 15 min. outdoor poop wait! YAY, method worked?

Gave him the food bowl, but he didn't tear immediately in. HMMM, Curious. Went upstairs (blocked off and off limits to dog) and discovered that, despite the fact he didn't see me put the CAT food up there and the stairs were blocked, there had been a doggie visit. The damage was not only to the cat food, but the kid's rug.... At least he's not dumb.

A link to a stranger that feels like a friend

2005-05-03T07:28:00.000-07:00

I've decided this blogging stuff is fun. Maybe a bit addictive.

In the rare moments that I have sucessfully wrestled the hubster, and the kids (YES, all 3) off the computer to use it, I found this.

I occassionally laugh so hard things fly out my nose. Those baked goldfish crackers are especially painful.

(The smurf story hits a special spot in my heart --and my house.)

Stop the ringing in my

2005-05-02T06:52:00.000-07:00

YEE GODS.

I've lost my nose ring. I took it out to represent my hobby for a Make-A-Wish thing I helped with. Now I can't find the "safe place" where I stashed it.

I don't wear it much anymore. Doesn't fit in with the "Federal Officer" look. (The badge and the nose ring just makes them giggle... Like the friends who knew me "when" and find out what I do now.)

It was nice to have it as a safety net. Keeps the age away. I realize that I can be responsible and not be "grown-up" and stodgy. The nose ring let me pretend that occasionally I could still be dangerous and irresponsible. (OH GRIEF, is this why the overweight, balding, 40 somethings still wear the high school football jersey and buy a convertable???!!!!)

That thought alone may make me leave it to the dust bunnies collecting in that safe place.

Syrup

2005-05-01T06:35:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to link to this post on Love. It was sweet and I'm feeling a bit sappy from attending a wedding last night.

Cool wedding. Creative black tie, which allowed me to wear a cool beaded 20's dress. Supposedly the wedding was a family thing only. Friends were celebrating with after.
Well, they made the appropriate entrance and announced that "Surprise! We wanted to do this with you, our family" (Should have known. They are known for their theatrics...)

Not usually the sappy type. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Comeuppance

2005-04-26T17:33:00.002-07:00

I called my parents today and apologized for being 14. After he stopped laughing, my dad asked what my oldest was doing to prompt the apology. Mostly, it was being 14!
My mother especially appreciated hearing about her grandson's latest 'tude. She has been waiting for my comeuppance for years. I'm certain that I was probably as mouthy, arrogant, and generally maddening as The Teenager. I also KNOW that I was not as bad as she makes out. (To hear her tell it I snuck out every night to get drunk and high. Actually, I snuck out ONCE and got grounded so long that I never did it again. --It's a good story, I'll tell it sometime-- I never did get drunk or high while I lived at home.)
So here I am, on the other end. This was the age where I began to develop my poker face. (If you laugh while your psycho-Christian mother exorcises you, it JUST MAKES THINGS LONGER!) So I know that he's not listening. He's thinking about girls, sports, girls, or the way his friend threaded a gummy worm through his nose and out his mouth. I keep speaking because I know that SOME things do get through, occasionally. We even have meaningful conversation at times.
AHH, 14.

Tooting my own horn

2005-04-24T10:37:00.000-07:00

MWAA ha ha ha ha ha.

I'm not COMPLETELY technically unfit! SEE, SEE. I changed the sidebar titles. Superdedooper proud of myself here! I even added a link!

Someday, I may even add.....

PICTURES!!

I'm a bit overexcited now.

Going to rest with a cool cloth over my head.

Disjointed adoption story

2005-04-24T09:25:00.000-07:00

I had this in edit mode, not certain if I ever wanted to potentially share this with a bunch of strangers. I decided that this was basically an online journal begun because a friend posted something private and I was grateful to know her better. So, potenials, here you are, a glimpse of a place not many people go.

I visited my sister and my biological mother Sunday. I've only known them for 2 years. I haven't seen them in quite a while, so I was a bit afraid that we would have to rebuild and things might be awkward.
Not so. It was almost like the last year hadn't happened. I'm not certain what a "normal" sibling relationship is like, but seeing her is like seeing an old friend. Comfortable.

My reunion story is a pretty and short one. I've heard they can be rough and REALLY LONG. I certainly wouldn't recommend anyone looking if they were not in a very comfortable, stable place in their life. I was, and it still was harrowing. One day I wanted to know RIGHT NOW. The next I was unsure. When I finally found someone who may be related, I completely lost it. I cried because they might be. I cried because they might not be. They were. I experienced all sorts of emotions that I can not begin to describe.
It was my sister. She had started looking for me in 1999. I found her post on a page listing my birth date in the right city. It also had a birth name, which was nothing I had seen before. (I had a college stats course that came in handy there. I crunched numbers and figured that we had a pretty good chance of being related.) Then came the day I FINALLY received the confirmation. If I had stayed with my biological family, I would have been Treva. I like that name. Irish and unusual. (I look so darn like a fraulein that I would have never guessed!)
At first, before we got confirmation, she sent pics. Her and her mom. I was certain that these people were NOT related. (Hubster reserved judgment. He went into MAJOR protective mode!) They looked nothing like me! I sent some back. They were certain we WERE related. Turns out, we do look quite a bit alike. Good, cuz she's pretty cute.
When I met them, it was so weird. I looked like someone. I had, when young, searched stranger's faces for recognizable features. Now,I had someone's knees, hands, eyes! It was the first time that had happened, and it was amazing. The medical history was amazing, too. No more telling my doctor that "I don't know, I'm adopted".
Turns out, we had very similar lives. She is a year younger, to the month. Rough childhood. Hers was worse. I felt bad that our mom hadn't given her up, too. She always wished that she had been adopted out, too. We both went through a weird early twenties phase of extremes. We both ended up with 3 sons. We think a lot alike. We both felt gratitude that our early years had shaped us the way it had, because we like who we are now.
My mom is a lot like my biological mom. Other than that, I can't comment here. It would feel like a huge betrayal to both of them to tell strangers of their issues. Suffice it to say, they both have a few. I've learned quite a bit about myself and what NOT to do from both of them. They also both have good qualities that they have passed on. They each have a special place in my life.
I feel very fortunate to have found them. I'd like to be closer to my sister. We missed the adolescent fighting and sharing of clothes. We missed clinging to each other when neither of us had anyone else. I don't want to miss anymore.

Last Laugh

2005-04-22T15:30:00.000-07:00

I knew it would happen. I used to joke about it: punk chick’s kid is going to end up a football player. Well, former punk chick’s kid announced his intent to play football next year. Here we go.
It started innocently enough with basketball a few years ago. He enjoyed it. It gave him an outlet and some new friends. (Girls were included, I am betting!) I attended as many games as I could, remembering the longing I had for my own mother to attend the baseball games I played when I was 10.
This year he added wrestling. I was just beginning to understand basketball a bit. (They have different names for the players: point guard, etc. They all look like they run up and down the court and try to make baskets to me.) Well, let me tell you, wrestling is a mystery to the uninitiated. It involves throwing people down, that much I have figured out. Oh, and the pinning thing is pretty obvious. Otherwise, I’m pretty clueless. I sit in the stands and let my stomach clench in horror/anticipation as my son throws people around or is thrown around. 3min or less then it’s watching other kids. UGH. (Maybe if they had some cute coaches in the tight little suits things would be more interesting.)
After the wrestling season, he decided to run track. He says he doesn’t like it, but he came in 3rd in his first meet. He’s using it as an endurance preparation for next year’s football season. So, here I go, off to the track meets. At least I know what is going on! (And I’ll be able to take Barley!)
OH CRAP! I’m pretty certain I used to joke about him having a cheerleader girlfriend and I’m pretty sure fate has a really sick sense of humor. Maybe I can get them to dye their hair school colors. Looks like I’m off to stock the bathroom with hairspray.

Gold Guilt

2005-04-15T05:37:00.000-07:00

There was a time when I had an extreme penchant for the tacky. It amused me. I particularly loved the 70's gold gilt candelabras, shelves, and clocks. I knew they were ugly. They worked well with the eclectic modern poverty that graced my houses and apartments. I collected these wonderful works in the old punk days when I lived with my best friend from high school. This is the woman I met on Halloween as a young teen, too cool for costumes. By the end of the evening we had exchanged clothing behind a car somewhere. We were fated to be friends. We lived together for over 5 yrs and went through some ROUGH times together before I got my act together and moved on.
Well, Friend hasn't gotten her act together and moved on. She's pretty much stagnating. Maybe even regressing. She has this amazing potential: she's a wonderful artist. She also has a way of drawing people in and making them feel special. She's charming in her punk rock, uneducated way. One of the most TRULY nice, good-hearted people I know.
The situation that she chooses to remain in creates more ROUGH times. I feel terrible that I can't help her. My example of returning to school and landing a good career isn't helping. My words ("Responsible doesn't mean grown-up.") don't help. Any actions I take don't help. I try to be supportive when I see her, but there is guilt in that, because I certainly don't support her lifestyle anymore. Usually after I see her I am saddened for days, so I let more time pass before I see her. Guilt. Yesterday, I had to call her mom for her address, because I had lost her completely. MAJOR GUILT. I've finally come to terms that there is nothing I can do. I can't save the world; I can't save my friend. I only can change me and my thoughts.
Hubster and I are in the middle of a major house remodel. Basement finishing. We had the huge dumpster and were happily dumping when hubster found a box of the gold gilt. He was about to happily dump when I noticed. This is an area of my past that he absolutely can't live with. I have a problem just throwing stuff away. (Goodwill junkie past.) Realizing that no one in their right mind is going to buy 70's gold gilt from Goodwill, I decided I had a better idea: gilt will be joining the guilt. There is one way I can be a good friend. I can still offer some fun and light in her life. The plan is to run over one day while she's gone and gilt the apartment. I'll be leaving the guilt behind as well.

All Hail S. Morgenstern

2005-04-08T15:50:00.000-07:00

Well, we just jumped off those cliffs of insanity. (If you got a visual image of a certain movie, I’m pleased. Even better, if you saw a page number. (Thanks again DC, for introducing me to Morgenstern.)

We bought a puppy.

Like paid money for an animal when there are so many dogs needing a home? Yup. Unapologetically. I don’t want a needy animal that cringes every time I gesture or raise the volume. I have children that I won’t sacrifice to an animal of unknowns. I also wanted a particular breed, known for its ability to become a member of the family.

Barley will be joining us sometime in early May. (About the same time we should receive our new extravagant furniture. See, already the gods laugh at us!) He’s an English Mastiff.

When I met his dad, Tigger, he came and laid his serving platter size head in my lap. I was immediately enchanted. He weighs 250 lbs.

We are about to have an EXTREMELY large puppy.

I’m trading the crumbs on the floor for dog hair and slobber. In return, the younger kids get a big, rompy sibling. The oldest one gets babe points when he walks it. We get a family-orientated 250 lb. friend who will give us some piece of mind when the kids are in the yard.

I'd like a piece of mind.

Office coffee

2005-03-04T15:36:00.000-08:00

First of all, AACCK.
I am not as much of snob as some (won’t mention names, but she has a coffee maker that costs as much as a developing country), but I WILL NOT drink that slog. The office pool doesn’t even buy the what they think of as “high-end” stuff (in a can). I tried to socialize them by bringing in some good stuff. They just worked their way through it and bought some more nasty stuff. So I don’t contribute to the office coffee fund. I am teased, sometimes even in the meanest of spirits, about being the office coffee snob. (This from bunch of people who attend Nascar races. I’m not too upset.)
So what do I see today? One of the meaner spirited people in the office going to the coffee pot, pouring their slog, turning to the fridge and grabbing MY (labeled) creamer with her influenza B tainted hands. Didn’t even ask. She’s running around the office, coughing, with her steroid inhaler in hand, spreading her germs over my ingestibles. Gotta say, the old punk rock self, buried under lots of education, reared her ugly head. Fortunately, I have learned from my best friend that NOT saying everything that pops into your head is the best office policy one can have. I closed my door and visualized her being hit by a race car. (I’ll be the only one here after a month; it’s really not worth confronting.)
Really, would spiking the creamer with some heavy laxatives be TOO passive aggressive?? Sure would help that punk rock chick I’ve got buried somewhere…

OH, it plays CD's, too!

2005-02-23T16:05:00.000-08:00

My friend, Darkling, still quotes this back to me. It's a flashback of my earliest computing days.

Why am I thinking about it now? I just read one of her posts. Itwas a really special moment to me. Her blog let me understand her in a way that I hadn't before. I always knew I loved her; she always has been special. Wierd how a post can reverberate through the bonds of friendship like that.

It made me think about how you never really know as much as you think you do about the ones you care most about. But I guess friendship really isn't about knowing EVERYTHING, anyhow. It's creating things that you do know about. Forging ahead, together, into the future.

Thanks, Darkling, for being the friend that forged with (ok, ok, slightly ahead of...) me.