subconscious hi-jacking
Weird dream--which I'm not recounting here, because it could be REALLY embarrassing. It did involve me discussing the fact that I simply am not capable of the act of infidelity. It grates against my personal code in ways not many other topics do. (And really, if you can't treat the one person you VOWED to love and cherish courteously enough to honorably end the marriage BEFORE you go off, what can the rest of the world expect of you???!!)
That didn't bother me--the reason for the dream DID. I'm not very happy right now. My subconscious made me admit it. I don't know how to fix it. I feel like I've lost a part of myself. It has been gone for a while. For a bit, I was grateful, as I connected that part with a former life I turned from. To me, losing that part was proof that I was growing. Now I realize that a large part of creativity, wonder and awe at the world, and spontaneity went with it. I miss those parts. I want them back, but it seems as if the organization that is necessary to keep moving forward will keep them suppressed for a while more.
Another part has to do with my marriage. Lately, if I didn't have kids I probably would be working late a lot. It seems that every day I come home, I face an adversary. A not very pleasant one. I come home to doom and gloom EVERYDAY. It really bothers me because he CHOSE to stay at home with the kids. If he's that unhappy, he can go back to work. The kids are picking up on it and no longer greet me with smiles. The only one happy to see me is my dog.
Work--hah--he's going through a "career crisis". Doesn't know what he wants to do, so he dropped out of school--WITHOUT TELLING ME. (Didn't think it was important enough to mention!???! And now I'm a bitch because I have some trust issues--or I ask about it...) (And, oh yeah, that lack of a degree is really going to improve his options!!) He keeps giving me the line that it's only a break, but I see no intent or movement to return. It feels REALLY unfair to me: for years he was doing the "I can't wait until you graduate, so we can get ahead". I was always at least working OR going to school. Both, for most of the time. Now, it really feels like it was really, "I can't wait until you graduate, so I can stop working".
And now I do have trust issues. I told him I would only do this "stint" with our hobby after he graduated. I only said yes to this because he would have graduated BEFORE the major part of the work began. I feel baited. What else is he hiding??
So, even while I'm REALLY bothered by people who commit what I feel is the ULTIMATE betrayal, I have gained a new disturbing understanding: sometimes it is just overwhelming to have someone be NICE and to be happy to see you.
That didn't bother me--the reason for the dream DID. I'm not very happy right now. My subconscious made me admit it. I don't know how to fix it. I feel like I've lost a part of myself. It has been gone for a while. For a bit, I was grateful, as I connected that part with a former life I turned from. To me, losing that part was proof that I was growing. Now I realize that a large part of creativity, wonder and awe at the world, and spontaneity went with it. I miss those parts. I want them back, but it seems as if the organization that is necessary to keep moving forward will keep them suppressed for a while more.
Another part has to do with my marriage. Lately, if I didn't have kids I probably would be working late a lot. It seems that every day I come home, I face an adversary. A not very pleasant one. I come home to doom and gloom EVERYDAY. It really bothers me because he CHOSE to stay at home with the kids. If he's that unhappy, he can go back to work. The kids are picking up on it and no longer greet me with smiles. The only one happy to see me is my dog.
Work--hah--he's going through a "career crisis". Doesn't know what he wants to do, so he dropped out of school--WITHOUT TELLING ME. (Didn't think it was important enough to mention!???! And now I'm a bitch because I have some trust issues--or I ask about it...) (And, oh yeah, that lack of a degree is really going to improve his options!!) He keeps giving me the line that it's only a break, but I see no intent or movement to return. It feels REALLY unfair to me: for years he was doing the "I can't wait until you graduate, so we can get ahead". I was always at least working OR going to school. Both, for most of the time. Now, it really feels like it was really, "I can't wait until you graduate, so I can stop working".
And now I do have trust issues. I told him I would only do this "stint" with our hobby after he graduated. I only said yes to this because he would have graduated BEFORE the major part of the work began. I feel baited. What else is he hiding??
So, even while I'm REALLY bothered by people who commit what I feel is the ULTIMATE betrayal, I have gained a new disturbing understanding: sometimes it is just overwhelming to have someone be NICE and to be happy to see you.
posted by Madzillah at 9:44 AM
2 Comments:
come on down. Too many words for "note" on blog.
Try dying mates hair green while he sleeps.
Can you get him to doc for help, may be clinically depressed. Mate is dealing with depression right now but doing well enough on his own I can usually deal with it. Maybe your friend needs help....
http://forwardho.blogspot.com/2005/06/friends-death-and-you.html
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