MUST....NOT.....THROW......UP

was my first thought.

Closely followed by: "I probably should get a shirt on".

And thus was the moment seared into my brain as I sat half naked as the ernest, clean-cut Marine recruiter told me that my firstborn was joining and could I be in Indy on Fri to witness him swearing in?

Funny how when you are dazed, even that simple act of finding and putting on clothing take on EPIC proportions.

That first thought pretty much has remained my theme since....I love him, I support him. The thought of him going to Iraq or Afghanistan makes me want to hurl.

So, He was 18 last week, "sperm donor"

Did you remember it? Does he even cross your mind?

I don't wish bad things on you because it was hard for me; I wish horrible things on you for each and every time he felt (feels?) pain because of you.

I'm glad you never tried to be there. You are obviously not NEARLY good enough for him; you are seriously unworthy of being in his presence. He didn't need your warped set of values and ethics to influence him at all.

You see, he is a really great person. I'm really excited about who he is. He's smart, funny, and thoughtful. He's EXTREMELY resilient and focused. I truly enjoy his company.

I don't talk about you, not even in a negative way. I will tell him the truth if he asks, but he hasn't yet. "No, he never saw you; no he didn't try. No, he never helped us; no he didn't try. I don't know why he decided to contest it when your dad adopted you when you were 10." Be prepared, sperm donor, because I sense that he will have some questions for you. Like "Why DID you never meet me? Why did you never help in any little way in raising me? Why never even a birthday or Christmas card? AND WHY DID YOU TRY TO INTERFERE WHEN I FINALLY DID GET A DAD?"

You fail, sperm donor, you fail.

Lifeline

I’m throwing myself one. The only one I can help is me. If someone else can help me through this by listening and throwing in logic while I come to decisions, GREAT. If not, all I wasted really was time and money, and AT LEAST I TRIED.

He’s not trying. I think it may be just the opposite. We had some close friends from “home” down last weekend. I think he dreaded the visit; he certainly wasn’t excited about it, like he normally would have been.

He remarked to me that he didn’t want depression meds because they might “change him”. All I can think is that GODS I WOULD HOPE SO. He’s not anywhere near the man I married now. The excited about the future man. The one that worked on projects….The man that didn’t prefer a computer game to his life and family. So he is not going to see anyone about this depression. Further, he won’t even see anyone over some medical problems he had over the weekend (fell over, dizzy, after bending over and rising too fast….blood pressure?? Or simply lack of activity, since he used to fight weekly and was active and now just sits at a computer all day…?) Is he hoping that he will die and not have to deal??

So, yes, it’s affecting me. So I am going to get help. Perhaps someone will be my support as I support him. We may get through this. I love him and I want to. But, there is a line, and I need to find out where it is now. There is only so much I can take when he won’t even help himself. There is only so much that our kids need to take. I hope to find that line before we are over it and in a worse situation.

Loss of Faith part 2

I have a problem with Faith, religious or otherwise. I realize a lot of it is conditioned by external societal factors (Nixon, Iran-Contra, Clinton, the multitude of “fallen” TV evangelists, Iraq) and some of it conditioned by education factors (hard bench science background), some my upbringing (parents switching faiths and using religion conveniently) and some just plain inherent. I know it, I own it. I have a problem with faith.

So, what do I do with a science-based background that points me to “if an experiment or process is repeatable three times we can accept the potential for a repeated results” and the “popular jargon” definition of crazy “repeating actions and expecting different results” when I am dealing with a sensitive home situation? When I have lost faith in the person who I turn to when I lose my faith, what the hell do I do????

I used to believe everything as almost gospel. If he said it, it was true/would be accomplished, etc. Now, if I believe if, I fit into the “crazy” category—expecting a different result than what has previously happened. I’m promised that he will finish school—even by a certain time frame; it doesn’t happen. I have a (what I believe is reasonable) expectation of having home situations (Dr. appointments for kids, bills paid, a tiny bit of housework, etc.) managed by him because I am the one working and away for 11.5 hrs a day; it doesn’t happen. So, now when I hear “I’ll take care of that” or “I’m going back to obtain this degree” or “Im looking for a job.”, my thoughts (based on my recent—4yrs or less-- experiences) are. “Yeah, that won’t happen”. I hear “I could do that management job.” and think “No, no you really couldn’t, you can’t even manage our kids, our account, and/or our home.”

I realize that it is damaging my relationship with him. To come out and share this would hurt him deeply, but I’m fairly certain that it is coming out in my actions and attitude, and he has a clue, anyhow. I have examined my feelings and have determined that I do not think that I want to live without him. I love him very much, but I wonder at what point that will change because I am overwhelmed and can’t rely on him? Right now it is mostly just disappointment and hurt with occasional flares of anger; at what point will it be anger and bitterness? If we end it now in a more amicable situation, I eliminate the potential that it changes and I continue with the man I love. If it doesn’t change, I foresee and fiery and unpleasant end.

Advertising mania

Saw the ad. "Earn money by hosting relevant ads on your blog"....

1. I REALLY hope people don't read this blog. It's REALLY negative and depressing. It's the one where I vent crap.

2. So, what relevant ads would be most appropriate here? Anti-depression meds? Guns?
Shrek things? (I can't put why that is really appropriate on the internet, but give me a call. It's really funny in a VERY mean sort of way.)

Dark Dark Days

On thing about me, that you wouldn't catch here (on my "negative space") is that I bounce. I am unusually resilient and very thankful and proud of it. (When I was young I used to even get upset that I couldn't hold on to a funk or anger, etc overnight....)

So, I was concerned when I realized that somehow, somewhere, I went flat.

I've had emotional chaos before. This time was worse because the chaos was more intimate, more of my creation (flesh and blood), more of EVERYTHING exploding instead of just a few things. I would think: "ok, I can handle this, but not ONE MORE THING" and then ONE MORE THING would happen....rinse and repeat.

Well, that growth is hard, and it took me down. Way down some scary spiral into some hole that twisted and turned so that I couldn't see the light and I didn't know which way was up.

One night I tried drinking. I didn't do THAT again. I prefer alcohol with FUN and happiness. It just sent me a few feet further down for a bit that night. ICK!

IT was shortly after that when I knew: this was depression. I understand how heavy it can be. I understand the loneliness, the isolation, and the weight. I understand thinking "I need help" but being so overwhelmed and unable to think correctly to even know where to find it. SO overwhelmed that the most simple things seemed completely beyond my ability.

I felt alone and isolated. One day I had a moment of clarity and reached out. That day I realized I was just alone as I wanted to be. My friends were there as much as ever; it was just me that went away.

I started to look for help shortly after that. That simple act of looking for help did a lot for me. I started thinking again. I realized that I needed to change. Part of the reason that I was so unhappy was the isolation here. Well, I am the one responsible for not doing the things that I used to do. Yes, it is hard to start over, but I need to try.

So, I'm not ALL better yet, but I am no longer flat. And I know where to go if it happens again.

Truthfully, I failed

I'm not certain how I managed to put a child like him on the planet. I understand that children rebel and have to show "how grown they are" and how they distance themselves from their parents to do that. I get that.

What boggles me is the absolute conviction that truth is optional at any given time. He sees no problem with lying to people. He pretty much expects it. I consider him pathological.

Without going into it too much, (other than he's back, and YES there was a lot of drama)we were talking about manipulative behavior. Case in point: he came to me one night, the girlfriend was really sick and no one was home. Could you go over to her house, mom? Yup, I went, feeling like the good mom. There she put on a great show; culminating in her telling me things designed to make me let him go there or her come to my house to keep her safe. I didn't fall for THAT and made certain she was good until her mom got home. I had blamed it on her (her story and theatrics) but after the conversation I just had with my son, it very well could have been a collaborative effort.

We were talking about that, because I spoke with him about it at the time. It came out of his mouth that it was ok because she has no reason NOT to lie to me. He expects her to lie to me. He definitely lies to her mother. He said that if it suits his purposes, it is ok to lie. This was not a heated conversation, it was just a conversation. I tried to be the least judgemental that I could be when I pointed out that even if he ISN'T lying to person x, if person x sees him lying to person y, person x will think he's lying to them. It didn't matter to him.

I am utterly sickened and devastated by this. Trust is something that we have talked about for a long time. Not being able to trust him again ever is a horrible feeling. But there it is: that trust is GONE GONE GONE. I pretty much have to, from this time forward, know that if IT ISN'T SUITING HIS PURPOSES, it isn't going to be the truth. And since I am not always privy to those pursposes, IT PROBABLY NEVER IS THE TRUTH.

At least he was honest about that.

Fuck you 2007!

I may need some help out of this one. I DID stay up all night-6:30 ish. I slept until 1 and then returned to the computer to do the same thing I had stayed up all night to do: read a pointless blog and play spider solitaire.

I just don't have it in me to do anything else. I did manage to run to the store for some sparkling juice for the kids to have a special toast. No, I did NOT comb my hair or even put clean underwear on. I felt that brushing my teeth was treat enough.

I still don't know what to do. He's not going to come back. I think that a legal emancipation may be in order, so that we aren't legally responsible for the next stupidity that will come along. It's just that I know what is out there. What COULD happen to him. Whatever karma I built by taking in the homeless, by ensuring that other people ate needs to be collected on now. I'm certain that I'm reaping a certain amount of it back right now--but HEY if I knew they were runaways I made them at least call home.

I'm terrified that he's going to enlist. 17 yr old= cannon fodder. Since that was the direction that he was looking into, I bet he goes now out of a sense of "I'll show them I'm not a kid." That and I'm fairly certain that his girlfriend thinks of him and the hefty sign-on bonus as a meal-ticket out of this town and her white trash life. I wonder how long before she gets pregnant? (Now, this I KNOW--it won't be because the Teen isn't fanatical about condoms!!) It's just that I've seen some pretty manipulative beahvior on her part. We've thought about it previously, but now that this is happening, I think it even more likely.

EGADS....that is if he is still even in this state. Well, hopefully he goes to Aimless if he goes to MI. I think he would.

FUCK FUCK FUCK. I hate this!

So, I'm not particularly sad to see this year slip away. Sure, I got an awesome promotion and a great house IN MY NAME. I also got a rectal ulcer for a boss, several members of my staff who need some balls, and a teen who decided that now was the time for his revolution.

(and even though I think that I JUST CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE of this, I look at the above and think that I still am pretty lucky. Sadly, that doesn't help as much as it should.)

Another sleepless night

So, the first time he didn't come home was the other night. I finally reached him at 2 am. He had some story about taking a friend to the hospital. I went to bed; he called for a ride after that, but the phone was downstairs. He decided to just stay there instead of walking at 2 am. He showed up at home at about noon.

I didn't scream or yell. I DID say that I didn't believe either of his stories. He got snotty and walked off. I grounded him.

So, tonight, after he told me he was going to work, he didn't come home again. I didn't notice until really late because I fell asleep with the youngest downstairs. When I woke up, he wasn't here yet. I called and called. Was it him just being an ass again or was he in trouble? Well, ass wins, he tried to sneak in at ~2, but the dog gave him away. I was still up anyhow, worried. He smelled like booze, but it could be the copious amounts of cologne he wears, and my desire to blame this behavior on SOMETHING...

Again, no yelling/screaming. He said he doesn't think we care because we think he is untrustworthy; I pointed out that staying out all night and not coming home when he was supposed to didn't exactly build trust. He stormed out again.

My first response was to lock the door. I went upstairs and realized that was an action that WAS uncaring. I went to look for him, even drove around. I'm not certain, as I type whether I should go lock the door, because I don't trust him....or to leave it open because it is damn cold. I'm opting for open.

I'm really not certain what I should do. He won't follow our rules. He doesn't respect us. It sucks that I did teach him resilience, but at least I think it'll keep him alive right now. He got the stubborness from me, too, so I doubt he comes back.