Dark Dark Days

On thing about me, that you wouldn't catch here (on my "negative space") is that I bounce. I am unusually resilient and very thankful and proud of it. (When I was young I used to even get upset that I couldn't hold on to a funk or anger, etc overnight....)

So, I was concerned when I realized that somehow, somewhere, I went flat.

I've had emotional chaos before. This time was worse because the chaos was more intimate, more of my creation (flesh and blood), more of EVERYTHING exploding instead of just a few things. I would think: "ok, I can handle this, but not ONE MORE THING" and then ONE MORE THING would happen....rinse and repeat.

Well, that growth is hard, and it took me down. Way down some scary spiral into some hole that twisted and turned so that I couldn't see the light and I didn't know which way was up.

One night I tried drinking. I didn't do THAT again. I prefer alcohol with FUN and happiness. It just sent me a few feet further down for a bit that night. ICK!

IT was shortly after that when I knew: this was depression. I understand how heavy it can be. I understand the loneliness, the isolation, and the weight. I understand thinking "I need help" but being so overwhelmed and unable to think correctly to even know where to find it. SO overwhelmed that the most simple things seemed completely beyond my ability.

I felt alone and isolated. One day I had a moment of clarity and reached out. That day I realized I was just alone as I wanted to be. My friends were there as much as ever; it was just me that went away.

I started to look for help shortly after that. That simple act of looking for help did a lot for me. I started thinking again. I realized that I needed to change. Part of the reason that I was so unhappy was the isolation here. Well, I am the one responsible for not doing the things that I used to do. Yes, it is hard to start over, but I need to try.

So, I'm not ALL better yet, but I am no longer flat. And I know where to go if it happens again.