We lost one of the good guys today

I certainly can't express it better than this; even if I could find some words right now.

Val, I love you.

A peek behind the curtain

The lights went on.

I figured out what my BIG TRAINING is all about. It's a peek behind the curtain so that when I am on stage, I understand my lines and the other characters. It's pretty exciting.

The big meeting went well. I respect my supervisors even more for dealing with my OLD bosses. (It was cheap shot day. Boy, were they distributing the rounds!) I am once again glad I chose to leave them to come over where I am now. Then, today, I helped the project director on their work plan. It was an illuminating process looking at every word and anticipating EVERY possible meaning.

AND I am watching a MASTER at this! Gods, the director is good! I have read a few books to prepare (Getting to Yes and Dealing with People You Can't Stand). It was almost like I could pull an example from the books and applying it to that meeting. It was pretty impressive. I think he covered every chapter!

What's really neat is how my hobby and my career are paralleling each other. I look at them both as a game. Who wins is determined by how well I think, communicate, and understand group dynamics; the stakes are just higher at one table.

Well, yeah I knew I was a

bitch. Have you READ any of my posts about work??!!

This just proves my point.

At a store I HATE because they are the only one close who has my filter for my humidifier. Not only do they have questionable business practises --especially involving employees--but their PATRONS ARE MORONS!!! (Yup, including me for returning there!)

Walking to my car behind a guy with his one tiny bag in a cart to my car.
Watching him try to wedge his cart between his truck and my driver's side, only to realize that
1.) it's too small
2.) He'd have to go in first and open the door, etc....

So back out it comes.

"I'll just be a few minutes", says he, looking for his keys.

"OR" I say, moving his cart away from my car and out of my way, "I could move this, and be in my car and out of here before you find your keys."

and did just that! I did thank him as I left...is that plus or minus bitch points??

Karma happens

So, since I found out the budget for the program I work on for the federal government was SLASHED dramatically, I've been wondering what exactly will happen. The budget supports the federal program and that of 3 states. Well, yesterday I found out. MI got their comeuppance.
They had an opportunity, even though we were FAR behind this bug, to make a difference. Instead they used the money given them as a welfare/jobs program, promoting many to middle management. They also floated many other programs on this money. (When I worked for them we had a BIG in-service for all programs. We spoke about the program for 1/2 to 1 hr on one day--thus justifying that everyone in every program draw their salary for the day from my program budget....)
Instead of actually regulating the articles that spread the pest, they ignored that part for 3 years. It was only last year, after WE had been doing it for them, that they realized that they looked REALLY BAD and future bad things could happen, that they began. They started a turf war and messed up a bunch of positive influences on the industry that we had carefully cultivated. SO rampant were they would visit a company, contract in hand--sign here...AND they misinformed the companies about OUR rules and regs.
For the last year, the one "gateway" they could successfully hold was under-defensed. They stopped commercial shipments well, but were not able to even affect the flow of noncommercial stuff because key head "diplomats" did not do their job and mesh another dept. with theirs, ensuring cooperation and compliance. In short, they couldn't play well with others.
So, now we are all operating on less than what MI usually gets. And I found out that they are getting a mere smidgen of THAT. BYE BYE program. What's really fun: I think I get to be there when they find out what they get. I'm practicing my poker face.
I'm guilty about NOT feeling guilty. The only ones I feel sorry for knew that they were limited term employees anyhow. My previous colleagues made my life hell. While I'm afraid of karma hitting me if I actively HOPE they all lose their jobs, I won't bring myself to feel sorry for them if they do. And I don't see how they can't.

subconscious hi-jacking

Weird dream--which I'm not recounting here, because it could be REALLY embarrassing. It did involve me discussing the fact that I simply am not capable of the act of infidelity. It grates against my personal code in ways not many other topics do. (And really, if you can't treat the one person you VOWED to love and cherish courteously enough to honorably end the marriage BEFORE you go off, what can the rest of the world expect of you???!!)

That didn't bother me--the reason for the dream DID. I'm not very happy right now. My subconscious made me admit it. I don't know how to fix it. I feel like I've lost a part of myself. It has been gone for a while. For a bit, I was grateful, as I connected that part with a former life I turned from. To me, losing that part was proof that I was growing. Now I realize that a large part of creativity, wonder and awe at the world, and spontaneity went with it. I miss those parts. I want them back, but it seems as if the organization that is necessary to keep moving forward will keep them suppressed for a while more.
Another part has to do with my marriage. Lately, if I didn't have kids I probably would be working late a lot. It seems that every day I come home, I face an adversary. A not very pleasant one. I come home to doom and gloom EVERYDAY. It really bothers me because he CHOSE to stay at home with the kids. If he's that unhappy, he can go back to work. The kids are picking up on it and no longer greet me with smiles. The only one happy to see me is my dog.
Work--hah--he's going through a "career crisis". Doesn't know what he wants to do, so he dropped out of school--WITHOUT TELLING ME. (Didn't think it was important enough to mention!???! And now I'm a bitch because I have some trust issues--or I ask about it...) (And, oh yeah, that lack of a degree is really going to improve his options!!) He keeps giving me the line that it's only a break, but I see no intent or movement to return. It feels REALLY unfair to me: for years he was doing the "I can't wait until you graduate, so we can get ahead". I was always at least working OR going to school. Both, for most of the time. Now, it really feels like it was really, "I can't wait until you graduate, so I can stop working".
And now I do have trust issues. I told him I would only do this "stint" with our hobby after he graduated. I only said yes to this because he would have graduated BEFORE the major part of the work began. I feel baited. What else is he hiding??

So, even while I'm REALLY bothered by people who commit what I feel is the ULTIMATE betrayal, I have gained a new disturbing understanding: sometimes it is just overwhelming to have someone be NICE and to be happy to see you.