Advertising mania

Saw the ad. "Earn money by hosting relevant ads on your blog"....

1. I REALLY hope people don't read this blog. It's REALLY negative and depressing. It's the one where I vent crap.

2. So, what relevant ads would be most appropriate here? Anti-depression meds? Guns?
Shrek things? (I can't put why that is really appropriate on the internet, but give me a call. It's really funny in a VERY mean sort of way.)

Dark Dark Days

On thing about me, that you wouldn't catch here (on my "negative space") is that I bounce. I am unusually resilient and very thankful and proud of it. (When I was young I used to even get upset that I couldn't hold on to a funk or anger, etc overnight....)

So, I was concerned when I realized that somehow, somewhere, I went flat.

I've had emotional chaos before. This time was worse because the chaos was more intimate, more of my creation (flesh and blood), more of EVERYTHING exploding instead of just a few things. I would think: "ok, I can handle this, but not ONE MORE THING" and then ONE MORE THING would happen....rinse and repeat.

Well, that growth is hard, and it took me down. Way down some scary spiral into some hole that twisted and turned so that I couldn't see the light and I didn't know which way was up.

One night I tried drinking. I didn't do THAT again. I prefer alcohol with FUN and happiness. It just sent me a few feet further down for a bit that night. ICK!

IT was shortly after that when I knew: this was depression. I understand how heavy it can be. I understand the loneliness, the isolation, and the weight. I understand thinking "I need help" but being so overwhelmed and unable to think correctly to even know where to find it. SO overwhelmed that the most simple things seemed completely beyond my ability.

I felt alone and isolated. One day I had a moment of clarity and reached out. That day I realized I was just alone as I wanted to be. My friends were there as much as ever; it was just me that went away.

I started to look for help shortly after that. That simple act of looking for help did a lot for me. I started thinking again. I realized that I needed to change. Part of the reason that I was so unhappy was the isolation here. Well, I am the one responsible for not doing the things that I used to do. Yes, it is hard to start over, but I need to try.

So, I'm not ALL better yet, but I am no longer flat. And I know where to go if it happens again.

Truthfully, I failed

I'm not certain how I managed to put a child like him on the planet. I understand that children rebel and have to show "how grown they are" and how they distance themselves from their parents to do that. I get that.

What boggles me is the absolute conviction that truth is optional at any given time. He sees no problem with lying to people. He pretty much expects it. I consider him pathological.

Without going into it too much, (other than he's back, and YES there was a lot of drama)we were talking about manipulative behavior. Case in point: he came to me one night, the girlfriend was really sick and no one was home. Could you go over to her house, mom? Yup, I went, feeling like the good mom. There she put on a great show; culminating in her telling me things designed to make me let him go there or her come to my house to keep her safe. I didn't fall for THAT and made certain she was good until her mom got home. I had blamed it on her (her story and theatrics) but after the conversation I just had with my son, it very well could have been a collaborative effort.

We were talking about that, because I spoke with him about it at the time. It came out of his mouth that it was ok because she has no reason NOT to lie to me. He expects her to lie to me. He definitely lies to her mother. He said that if it suits his purposes, it is ok to lie. This was not a heated conversation, it was just a conversation. I tried to be the least judgemental that I could be when I pointed out that even if he ISN'T lying to person x, if person x sees him lying to person y, person x will think he's lying to them. It didn't matter to him.

I am utterly sickened and devastated by this. Trust is something that we have talked about for a long time. Not being able to trust him again ever is a horrible feeling. But there it is: that trust is GONE GONE GONE. I pretty much have to, from this time forward, know that if IT ISN'T SUITING HIS PURPOSES, it isn't going to be the truth. And since I am not always privy to those pursposes, IT PROBABLY NEVER IS THE TRUTH.

At least he was honest about that.