Lifeline

I’m throwing myself one. The only one I can help is me. If someone else can help me through this by listening and throwing in logic while I come to decisions, GREAT. If not, all I wasted really was time and money, and AT LEAST I TRIED.

He’s not trying. I think it may be just the opposite. We had some close friends from “home” down last weekend. I think he dreaded the visit; he certainly wasn’t excited about it, like he normally would have been.

He remarked to me that he didn’t want depression meds because they might “change him”. All I can think is that GODS I WOULD HOPE SO. He’s not anywhere near the man I married now. The excited about the future man. The one that worked on projects….The man that didn’t prefer a computer game to his life and family. So he is not going to see anyone about this depression. Further, he won’t even see anyone over some medical problems he had over the weekend (fell over, dizzy, after bending over and rising too fast….blood pressure?? Or simply lack of activity, since he used to fight weekly and was active and now just sits at a computer all day…?) Is he hoping that he will die and not have to deal??

So, yes, it’s affecting me. So I am going to get help. Perhaps someone will be my support as I support him. We may get through this. I love him and I want to. But, there is a line, and I need to find out where it is now. There is only so much I can take when he won’t even help himself. There is only so much that our kids need to take. I hope to find that line before we are over it and in a worse situation.

Loss of Faith part 2

I have a problem with Faith, religious or otherwise. I realize a lot of it is conditioned by external societal factors (Nixon, Iran-Contra, Clinton, the multitude of “fallen” TV evangelists, Iraq) and some of it conditioned by education factors (hard bench science background), some my upbringing (parents switching faiths and using religion conveniently) and some just plain inherent. I know it, I own it. I have a problem with faith.

So, what do I do with a science-based background that points me to “if an experiment or process is repeatable three times we can accept the potential for a repeated results” and the “popular jargon” definition of crazy “repeating actions and expecting different results” when I am dealing with a sensitive home situation? When I have lost faith in the person who I turn to when I lose my faith, what the hell do I do????

I used to believe everything as almost gospel. If he said it, it was true/would be accomplished, etc. Now, if I believe if, I fit into the “crazy” category—expecting a different result than what has previously happened. I’m promised that he will finish school—even by a certain time frame; it doesn’t happen. I have a (what I believe is reasonable) expectation of having home situations (Dr. appointments for kids, bills paid, a tiny bit of housework, etc.) managed by him because I am the one working and away for 11.5 hrs a day; it doesn’t happen. So, now when I hear “I’ll take care of that” or “I’m going back to obtain this degree” or “Im looking for a job.”, my thoughts (based on my recent—4yrs or less-- experiences) are. “Yeah, that won’t happen”. I hear “I could do that management job.” and think “No, no you really couldn’t, you can’t even manage our kids, our account, and/or our home.”

I realize that it is damaging my relationship with him. To come out and share this would hurt him deeply, but I’m fairly certain that it is coming out in my actions and attitude, and he has a clue, anyhow. I have examined my feelings and have determined that I do not think that I want to live without him. I love him very much, but I wonder at what point that will change because I am overwhelmed and can’t rely on him? Right now it is mostly just disappointment and hurt with occasional flares of anger; at what point will it be anger and bitterness? If we end it now in a more amicable situation, I eliminate the potential that it changes and I continue with the man I love. If it doesn’t change, I foresee and fiery and unpleasant end.